What was I doing on Friday....ah yes....Conniving...that WAS the word I was looking for

A little humor for you all. couldn't live without it, could you? I suppose you could live without mine. Not very funny, after all, but that's besides the fact.

Things on this side of the fence are rather dandy presently. P&P is goin well, which you should all come and see....Thurs, Fri, and Sat at 7,7, Thurs and Fri with a 2 and a 7 on Sat. Those are hours, in case you're wondering.

Besides that point, i do believe I have been changed or the better. Seriously. The whole episode, if you will, has really brought things into a new light for me. Everything, really. How to react to everything, how to live everything. It really is quite amazing and enjoyable.

I think I may take a leap of faith. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that those who take risks may fail, but those who haven't have failed before they've started. And those who take the long, easy way are just boring. :). So there. Lol. You thought I was actually going to be serious, didn't you? No, I suppose not.

I'm going to try something different. My risks won't be those dangerous ones that always land you in some kind of trouble somewhere down the road, but the ones that might change things as you know them. For the better, i mean. And if you miss. if you fall short of that leap, I mean then you'll have learned something along the way. If you make a leap of faith from nothing, you're going to have to land on something. That's a pleasant thought, isn't it?

Oh, and fishing, being a metaphor for specificity of course, is too harsh and perverse a metaphor. I have decided that referring to it as a game has a dramatic affect on the way I react in the specified situations thus leading me to change the metaphor to...oh...i don't know...

Dancing. Yes, that's it! Dancing! It's rather like dancing, now that I think about it. You start out with an invitation. A simple "Care to..?" or "May I have this...?" and then it starts. Your hands together and before long you're chatting and humming to the music and having a good time...and then....then they play the...

Swing Dancing.

Darling, care to dance?

:)

~Vinnie

P.S. I know you were definately all thinking this so let's clear this up. That was not directed at any of you. Not that you that it was in the first place. Whay am I speaking again? :P

The Breaking of the Rubber Band: The Freeing of the Mind

Plain and simply put, that's just what I did. I broke that rubber band that i was using to count the days until a "maybe". You know what? To Hell with a "maybe"! I live in the here and now. I'm in the prime of my high school years. If i work, I could go to State for speech time...if I work of course. :) I have things in my life that are going to take all of who I am and what I will become. This ship isn't waitning for anyone. It's going to keep on cruising right along and, oh buddy, here it comes. There are some who can hop on for the ride, some who will watch, and some who have a ship of their own. Your welcome to hitch a ride, but hold on. It's going to be one Hell of a trip.

You coming?

From the flipside
The one, the only,
N.B.P.

Tons of Bricks

Where does Life get all of these bricks? Really, though. They seem to just come out of every nook and crannie you can possibly find. Tons of them. Hitting you in the face as often as possible. It's terrifying, awe inspiring, horrible, and woderful all in the same gasp of air. I'm not quite sure how to handle it. Then again, when am I ever sure how to handle just about anything? Oh dear. Way to boost your self esteem, Nick. not that I need it anyway. Ouch. nothing like burning yourself for a change, eh?

Well, Life is dandy. If learned what it means to move on from those around me and from those who are, for the fifth time...wink*wink*...., much more intelligent than myself. I've learned that doing what makes you happy takes on an entirely new conotation when you are happy and when you have someone to share it with. Jesus, I get out of school and what am I doing all summer? Learning. get a life, Nick. lol.

It's a comforting feeling to know that there are people out there in the world who are stronger, faster, smarter, more confident, and, overall, just better than me. It gives me a sense of satisfaction. I am, in fact, the only person with my talents, my faults, my metallic smile, and my trademark fedoras. No one else is like that. Now, if only i could actually...

Move on. You want the truth? I'm afraid. Afraid to move ahead and afraid to wallow and wait. Everyday is a stalemate, the two sides pushing and pulling against each other, but neither really taking the lead.

You know what? Screw it. i'm going fishing. ;)

From the flipside,

N.B.P.

Well, It's Been a Long Day

Yes, yes indeed it has. Life sure is a female dog sometimes, let me tell you. Sometimes it just likes to kick you while your down, pour lemon juice on an open wound, point and laugh when the kids who stole your pants put them on the flagpole for everyone to see. You know; that kind of thing only not so materialistic. Not so physical, better put. Things you can't just put a band aid on and wait until it heals over. Curve balls that life throws you because it knows it'll strike you out to next week and, man, I sure can't hit curve balls. Let's just say that, you know that long road I've been traveling on, well, there are several shortcuts. Shortcuts that lead to somewhere or nowhere, but nobody knows and nobody asks...except for me. I thought this road was my road? The one I was down until I reached its bitter end? Now I'm not so sure. Silence is not helping either. I dread going home and sleeping even more so. Long periods where the mind does nothing but wander aimlessly through the less desirable thoughts of one's mind. What a terrible thing to do. Wander off of the road you never wanted to be on, but must if you wish to see the end.
Then night comes and with only a flicker of a lighted candle, you walk on.
But to where?
~The Ramblings of a Troubled Wanderer
Nick

The Truth Plain and Simple

Well howdy, ladies and gentlemen. It's been a little while since we last spoke, but don't worry; I'll fill you in. ;) Oh wait, there's nothing to fill you in on. :( LAME! lol. On second thought...

It's been rough. I'm not going to lie; it's been really rough. In fact, it's damn near unbearable. To know that you hurt someone. Someone that you cared for, and still, mind you, in your life and you hurt them. Really, truly hurt them. That you've actually caused pain. Real pain. It kills me. I try not to think about it, but it invades every concious thought I have. I hurt the girl I love. It kills me every waking moment. And the non-"waking" ones too. I wish I could find a way to take it all away. To take the pain away from her and let her be happy again. To find a way. That's all I have left. A hope. A candle flickering in a huge expanse of darkness. That little candle will see me through the night whether to a storm or to a blazing blue sky it will lead me through.

You know, ladies and gents, finding yourself, as it has so come to be referred to as, doesn't really solve all the problems. You can enjoy every minute of life, not let others take you down, and let life roll no matter how you take it and deal with it, but pain, real pain, puts a kink in the line. It gives you scars that no blade has ever given; ones that stay with you. Ones that remind you every single second of what you did, how you betrayed and destroyed everything you loved and worked so hard to build, and how you lost the only person you could ever talk to, who made you happy, whom you loved. It's gone and you won't forget that.

And look, I'm aware that xanga entries don't move mountains; time, truth, and devotion will get me to the summit, but even that doesn't happen overnight. Redwood tress don't grow in ten days, you know. :) I only wish I could take her pain away. It kills me to know that I had some part of it. I wish I could take it all away.
The real truth here is, well, that I can't and I have to find away to change that. And I swear I will. I swear it. It's all I have left. That little candle.

Until I die or you find someone better,

~Nick

"... I shouldn't blame her (Jane) if she refused ever to see me again. But there are some sentiments that are too strong to be denied or suppressed."
-Charles Bingley
Pride and Prejudice

Oh My Gosh! There's People in My HOUSE!

An interesting reaction, I know, but what else was I supposed to say?

So i guess I'm not having a party for my birthday this year because my mother, in her brief periods of genius, decided to throw me a surprise party! Isn't that pleasant. Mmhmmm. Nothing like a good schindig to shake things up a bit, 'eh? Anyway, it was absolutely the most fun I've had in a good long while. There were supposed to be like 30 some odd people there, but only about half of that showed up, but we had about twice the fun! Our game of truth or dare was quite memorable...lol...I wish Adam had been there...lo-freaking-l...that would have been hilarious, but I digress.

Thanks to everybody who came. It means a lot to me that you'd all go out of your way just to sit on my couch and cover your eyes for a while...lol. We had so much fun and I can't wait until we have the next party! Who's birthday is coming up? :)

N.B.P.

p.s. Some wisdom for the wise

Redwood trees don't grow in a week.

The Broken Road

Also a good song, but I won't plague you with time/space wasting lyrics...:P

I've become rather content with myself now, I guess. Things are starting to roll on forward, as opposed to any other direction which would not be an improvement, and I can think clearly again. It still hurts and I know it will for a good long while, but God gives us these things to teach us and give us a chance to grow and that, friends, is what I firmly intend to do!
oh, I almost forgot! I'm writing a song for Men's Ensemble. It just came to me today, ya' know, from all that inspiration... ;) , and I just sat back and let my mind loose on Finale Notepad. It's only the skeleton now, but it's got the makings of something really good. I just need to find a really strong melody and keep it alive. I already I have the pattern for the verses, but I got a lot of work to do yet. I got so excited when it came to me and, now that I've remembered about Men's Ensemble, I have to get to work arranging the music for next year, getting CD's ready and assessing the guys I have to see where they would best fit in the group. Oh, the song is called Wait For Me. I got so excited I just got a little carried away. Happens all the time. :P

Overall, life is good and the times the same. I love knowing what happiness feels like...Now...If only I had someone to share it with...Well all good things happen in time...Unless of course they weren't meant to happen which, thus, they won't...LOL...That was probably the most amusing piece of pessimism that I've ever written, but I digress. I am set on my path and I will travel down it until I meet it's end and then I'll walk back, unless there isn't an end, of course, in which case I will have the company I long for....WHAT?!? You didn't expect me to end on a cryptic piece of pessimism, did you? Shame on you ye of little faith! :P Oh dear, what ever shall I do with myself?

Catch you on the flipside,

N.B.P.
p.s. It's my Birthday 2 morrow...I forgot...lol....WHUPEEE!!

Goodbye

No i'm not going anywhere, you bums. It's a song by Hootie and the Blowfish and I've taken it up as my anthem, of sorts. And make sure you read the entries before this so you know what's going on...lol


Tomorrow used to be a day away
Now love is gone and you’re into someone far away.
I never thought the day would come
When I would see his hand, not mine,
holding onto yours because I could not find the time.

Now I can’t deny
nothing lasts forever
I don’t want to leave
and see the tear drops in your eyes
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye

Now there comes another part of life that I call alone
sitting at a bar with Chris
but I can’t leave ‘cause my house ain’t no home, no.
I just wanna touch you girl
I wanna feel you close to me
Without your love I would give up now
and walk away so easily.

So maybe while we're young
We’ll figure out together
that even with the pain, there’s a remedy
and we’ll be all right
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye.

When I first met you I couldn’t love anyone
oh, but you stole my dreams and you made me see
that I can walk under the sun
and I can still be me

and now I can’t deny nothing lasts forever.
But I don’t want to leave and see the teardrops in your eyes
So baby while we’re young let’s figure out together
that even with the pain there’s a remedy
and we’ll be all right.
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye,
we say goodbye, oh goodbye, goodbye.

Wow. That one hits home, 'eh folks?

Catch you on the flipside,

N.B.P.

Rome Wasn't Built in a Day

Read the post before this one or else none of this will make sense you landlubbers!....Why did I just make a pirate reference.....lol

This entry is meant to adress the "speed" at which I so conveniently "found" myself. This didn't happen all of a sudden at that volleyball game, guys, this has been a long standing journey. It didn't happen overnight. Whether it was iterated, you like my copious vocab don't ya?..., or not, now you all know.

And I want to thank you all. For all the stupid stuff I've ever done in order to bring myself to this point, you guys stuck through and defended and helped someone that really shouldn't have been and that really means so much to me. This is truly an freakin', that's the first slang I've used in a while unless you count "vocab" which I don't...lol..., AMAZING and I can't wait to share it with all of you! This year is going to be RIDICULOUS! Oh, boy...You guys aren't going to be able to take me anywhere.....LOL...

Remember, finding yourself doesn't happen overnight. It's a long, LONG road and I have an even longer one to earn the trust of someone whom I love very dearly. The journey is arduous, lengthy, and difficult...

Are you ready?

Absolutely.

Nick B. Pankuch

p.s. thanks again, friends.

He's Back

Too fast? I think not. I have found myself and now I have to show the world and hold true to what I have found. That is the key. Naybe then, just maybe, she can share the joy we had again. This is an email I sent to the Lady Li. Read it at your leisure...One question, first...

Are you ready?

You said I could fill up your inbox and I firmly intend to. I know this is the second in one day, but today is exceptionally rough, as is every single one before it and I fear for a good time after, but enough of the morbidity.

This may sound wishfully conceited and just like a cheap way to accelerate the process, but I want you to take it seriously and understand that I know I have a long road to travel yet.

If you read my blog you saw the entry about the volleyball game experience and how I glimpsed myself.

Believe you me, it was more than a glimpse.

I found him there. I found him playing volleyball with Tim Thorpe. I walked into that party, saw those people there, and dropped all defense. I let them take me to laughter and just, well for the third time I think I may have wrote it today, having a damn good time! I have never felt that good in so long. That's who I am. I realized it when I was there with them. To those people, I am the crazy kid who is their inspiration, I know, hold in the gasps. Their inspiration in faith. Me! Of all people! 'Who am I?', I asked myself. And that's when I figured it out.

I am Nick Pankuch.

I love being with people! I love making them laugh and hold their stomachs and making their faces hurt. I love playing sports and being bad at them! I love telling people how wonderful life is and what it feels like to the smell the sea, to stand outside in the rain, to roll down an old dirty hill, to stare at the clouds and seeing that stupid little camel you see every time! I am CRAZY! I love to make people laugh, but I don't care what they think of me. I'm way to enthusiastic about EVERYTHING! Life in and of itself is a reason to kick off your shoes and jump in the puddles! To go bowling in Canada! To go swimming at night and feel the cool breeze! To ride the tea cup ride at Disney World and feel like a little kid again. To run and scream and be the only sixteen year old....Five year old in existence!

I'm inventive, intelligent and creative. I want to cure cancer and help people everywhere in seeing life differently and getting past disease and sickness and into a different and better world. I love science and critical thinking and opening up the "box" and not just thinking outside of it but crunching it down and blowing it up all together! I love math and English and creative writing! I like to create places that don't exist and take myself to fantastical lands to be the hero and save the damsel and lead armies of light to defend against the darkness. I like to read and let others do the same for me.

I'm tall and covered in pimples and I DON'T CARE!!! I'm skinny and have really powerful legs, but no upper body strength at all. I have obnoxiously curly, blonde hair no that I let it grow out. I wear four aluminum chain links on my right ring finger and a rubber band and a rainbow WWJD bracelet on my left hand.

I love music! My whole family can sing and we do it as often as we can! We love to make harmonies to songs on the radio and even compose our own! We all play some type of instrument; I play piano and I want to learn how to play guitar and trombone! I love to share my music and voice with everyone I meet and raise it up in God's name!

I love to act! I've been in a whole bunch of school plays at my school and we've had a blast! It's fun to take yourself out of who you are for a moment and be someone totally different only to come back to yourself a moment later! I've been a psychotic dentist, a mentally challenged man, and a bustling young pirateer! Who else can say that?

I am Nicholas Berton Pankuch and I am no one else from this day forward. This is my creed.

I just did a somersault and it totally failed!!! Oh boy...

I know who I am inside and out and I know what I need to do now. The path just went from a dark scary country road to a lighted highway; still too long, but you know where you're going and, as long as there aren't any cops...*wink wink*...You can go as fast as you need to. And I'm bringing my friends.

I excluded one part of the email because, well frankly, I don't think the world is ready for that part yet, but for now you answer the question...

Are you ready?

Step 1: Others

No don't get your knickers in a not because I'm writing an entry. I'm just going to write about the things I learn along the way. It will help me deal with things.

I was at the graduation party of one of my really good friends from Church yesterday and it was a blast, let me tell you. We, as in some people I knew but quite a few I had met only vaguely before or never at all, played a great deal of volleyball, talked, ate food, told jokes, and just were all around having fun. Thus, I had an epiphany while driving home and listening to Daniel Powter's Had a Bad Day, oh the irony I know, I know.

People actually genuinely want to have a good time and talk and just be there with you. They, as in anyone I know or have ever known, don't really care about your past, what's bugging them right now, or what bugging you right now, they just want to have a good time among good friend and even better strangers. There were kids from 16 to college there and everyone sat at the same table and talked with everyone else like they had known them forever. Most likely because they actually did, lol.

I guess, this epiphany was step one because I realized that I don't have to be someone else when I'm around certain people. I don't need to impress or try all night to gain there favor or friendship; I can be who I am and they will accept that. I don't have to change what I am to fit what they need I an be me and be even more than I had ever dreamed of.

I got a glimpse of him there, a the party. For a brief moment in time I had forgotten every trouble I had ever had while I was playing volleyball and laughing with friends. Then I went to get a soda and, I know this sounds weird but just think for a second, I saw someone getting caked. Then I remembered and subdued, but I saw him. I know how he thinks and how he feels and I know that I need to find the one thing that will let him shine forever. I just have to find it.

This is Nick P., signing off.

Catch you on the flipside.

I've made a deal with myself, friends, that, until I find who I really am, I am not going to be blogging, among other things, in an effort to try and concentrate my efforts. I have only one goal in life now; to find out who Nick Pankuch really is and, when I do, maybe, just maybe, there will be a drop of hope that I may reconcile with her. That's all I can pray for to keep me going. The grief is almost unbearable, otherwise, but I bore you with the emotions of an old fool. Hopefully, with some serious soul searching, good friends, and a lot of luck, she might take me back, but that will be another journey in and of itself. Until then, my friends, I bid you all farewell. There is a long journey ahead of me and I have not yet begun to pack.

The way you wear your hat,
the way you sip your tea,
The memory of all that,
No they can't take that away from me.
The way your smile just beams,
The way you sing off key,
the way you haunt my dreams,
No they can't take that away from me.
We may never, ever, meet again on that bumpy road to love,
Still I'll always, always, keep the memory of,
The way you hold your knife,
The way we danced 'till three,
The way you changed my life,
No they can't take that away from me.
No they can't take that away. From. Me.

Crazy for You...seemed apropos

Catch you all on the flipside,

-Nicholas Berton Pankuch