Just When You Thought You Had it All Good...

That's basically the long and the short of it. I basically gave myself one of the best first semestres good 'ole East has to offer and my second semestre is looking even better.

If the sarcasm isn't blatantly obvious, then remind me to slap you later.

So, it would appear to me that this year is going to be quite the bitch. The one you have swabbing the poop deck until his hands fall of and then you throw him down with in the bilge with the rats and tell him to skin potatoes until you realize he has no hands and then you just put him in a dress, push im at the plan and see if you can hit him with a cannon.

Excuse me...not quite sure where that came from. And yes, i did say "poop deck".

Oh, and, like i've said vefore, Life always has a nack of having more than one ton of bricks. Let's just say that one can never fully purge themselves of their past. They can only learn to accept it and move on. Your past has a tendency to never want to be forgotten and, believe me, it doesn't intend to be. Then there are confrontations. Confrontations that no one will ever hear about, but you must live with everyday and keep to yourself. The really tough ones for us high schoolers. The really tough ones.

And then there's the ever-looming threat of succumbing...succumbing to what i was before.

HA! This is gonna be fun.

Oh, smell the sarcasm.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

The Wisdom of Negativity

I guess what i've discovered is that, for those of us that enjoy doing things the hard way, and yes, Carl, i do imply you along with myself in this statement, is that, on occasion, you have to let these things bother you. It hurts. No one said it wouldn't. It's to be expected, though.

I guess it's part of growing up.

Ugh, isn't that nasty. 16 and already attempting to grow up. Nauseating.

But i mean come on, who expectd me to be happy go lucky for the rest of my life?

Wait a second...i smell a plot to undermind the good in people! I knew it! Negativity trying' to be a wise ass and snuck in the back door.

And here's where the rant starts...lol....thought i'd give you a little warning...

I guess it is in my nature to take this as a challenge, then, if nothing more. A challenge to be obnoxious without being an arrogant asshole....if that's even possible...lol...but why not try? What is there to lose? To be spazmatically happy with no regrets! To make my frineds from school realize what my frineds from YLC are talking about...who they are talking about, rather. An interesting prospect. It wouldn't be very easy, but it's enticing none the less.

I guess, for the first time, i've realized that happiness comes at a price. A price that one must get used to paying. Frequently.

'Cause happiness is a goldiggin' bitch.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Falling, Falling, Falling

Does that ever happen to you? Do you just find a picture or a note and sudden remember a smile and a laugh that drives you to the brink of tears? Or a friend brings it up, whether purposefully or not, and you go back to every waking moment of happiness followed by the pangs of pain and regret that tend to linger longer than you like?

I'm not one for holding on to the past, whether it be a grudge or mistakes or the like, but this, this of all things, holds on to my mind more than anything else and i never cease to forget. Part of me wants to let it go forever while the other half hangs on if only for the pain. Because, before the pain, comes a brief reminiscence of happiness. Of a smile. Of a warm embrace.

And then all of your flaws start to creep back in your mind. Everything you've ever done that's hurt someone. Things you can't do no matter how hard you try. Things that never yusually bother you, but have, somehow, found away into your heart and start to tear it a part. can' run fast enough, can't be strong enough, smart enough, quick enough, witty enough, funny enough, can't be good enough.

Reality comes in with that two ton hammer and gives you a right good smacking with it.
There's no place for your happy go lucky attitude here!, it says.

You know what? I lost my happy thought.

And i'm all out of fairy dust.

Damn.

It would appear my flying days are over.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

A Weekend of Reflection, Fun, Disappointment, Deficiencies and Nothing to Show for it Save a Pair of Newly Shined Shoes

Indeed this is a weekend to remember. A great many things came from this weekend. Some more interesting than others, but all of them, save one, will change things. I have reaffirmed things about myself that i cling to, whether intelligently or not so, in order to continue with my life and rediscovered those things which drive me to the brink of cynical madness.

A disturbing thought, i know.

And i remember things that make me feel the wings on my back and remind me that i can take flight and soar higher than the stars.

A disturbing thought, i know.

:)

And I found these things, things that build anger. Useless, distracting, uncontrollable, unfathomable anger. An anger i have never truly been susceptable to before, until now. Things that don't really concern me or should anger me in any way, but drive me straight to that insanity again.

I know, i know.

And now i find that silent determination seems to be the only avenue of escape and silence, as you can imagine, is not one of the things that i am accustomed to.

And all i have to show for it is a pair of newly shined dress shoes.

Thanks for that Cody, it was worth the ten bucks. Well worth it.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

P.S. 7.50 a shoe? That's ridiculous. Even for an impecable shoe, eh Carl? :)

Smooth Sailing, Perhaps?

Hello there, ladies and gents of The Revenge, and how are all of you this fine morning? Well, I assume? Good. Quite the same over here. Nothing tragically wrong with the winds that carry our ship, but, then again, nothing quite fantastic either, eh?

A thought just occurred to me, as they so often do.

Why settle for contentment?

I'd like to point out how ridiculously boring it is. from whatever level you examine it, "just being happy" is not really all that great. Then again, who am I to dictate what satisfies people? Too true, too true.

Well, then, i'll proceed to go off on a rant aobut not settling for being content, alright? Good.

In this little old brain of mine, i just see no reason to stop. Why should'nt you push yourself to excel in all that you do? Why not run the extra mile? Why not take it a step further? Why not dare to make a difference? Why not step out of the circle just for the thrill of seeing what it's like? Why not apply yourself? Why not work to your fullest potential? Why not realize that potential? Why not look around and see what a beautiful and glorious place we live in? Why not see the art in everything? Why not go out of your way for someone? Why not show gratitude? Why not respect?

Why not live life to nothing short of the fullest?

Because we are hindered. Because there are eople out there who convince us otherwise. There are mothers who need your room cleaned before they encourage. Their are fathers who need the touchdown scored before you sing the solo. There are friends who need to "stick it to the man" before they realize they can do that in more ways than one. There are too many people who punch before they think and people who take too long thinking before they punch. There are people who try to convince us that settking for less is better, easier, more fun, and a great time.

You know what the issue is? There is a door to be opened between satisfaction and excitement. On that door is written challenge and difficulty and daring and pain. Opening that door is no small feat.

All we have to remember is that it takes a bit of a push. It's an old door whose hinges have yet to be tested.

Ladies and gents, i intend to blow that door right off.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

P.S. I got my hair cut. All of them, in fact. Really short. :)

Run out the Guns...this is about to get nasty...

Well, lads, you heard me! We ain't got much time to do it, either. Things have taken a turn for the worst and your Cap'n here may be payin' for a debt that isn't his. It's not even my fight, for Pete's sake!

In essence, this Cap'n here has has been hapless enough to wander into a war and he's bein' forced to pick sides. Honestly, neither of them may be right, but i do know which one's wrong. That much is certain.

So, enough with the shanannigans. Basically, Tina is angry at me for showing a tad bit, alright, you got me, a good deal, of affection towards Tink whom, in case you forgot, lied to Tina's face about a mistake she'd made in her relationship. I really do like Tina a lot, she's my favorite person, mind you, but i'm morally opposed to not being around someone whom i like or, at the very least, enjoy the company of purely because my frined doesn't wish it. I'm going to do what makes me happy first, then i'll worry about someone else. Besides, i'm not even involved in the conflict! Who am i to judge Tink for lying to Tina about what she did; no one, that's who. I have no right and neither does she. Plain and simple. And now, ladies and gents, i am forced to take a fall for it. A fall that may drastically change how things work at my youth group. And, the sad thing is, whether i win or lose, somebody's not coming back. This isn't good.

It bodes ill for every mother's son who calls himself pirate.

Run out the guns, ladies! Give me grapeshot every other cannon! Arm yourselves, lads. We take the ship.

*a young deckswab steps forward and speaks in a humbled tone*

"And what of the survivors, Cap'n."

*Cap'n Vincent stopped and tapped the hilt of his rapier. He drew it and sighed as he leaned on it. His weary body collapsing onto the steel. He stood tall and laid it on his shoulder drawing his pistol in the process.*

"There's not enough rum for 'em. Let 'em drink Davy's."

Raise the black flag. We sail under the colors you were born into. Let every mother's son remember why she's named The Regret. And never let them forget it.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret before the battle against the Forced Debt.
"The Ace of Spades"

Sometimes it Causes Me To Tremble...

Well, you nasty little blighters, you, I'm back from shore leave and what a shore leave it was, let me tell you. A very memorable shore leave that will be hard to forget no matter how hard I seem to try.

I don't feel like being cryptic, but I don't really want to disclose names or be any more specific than I have to only because the anguish lies too close to the surface and I am not going to give the entire background story, either. Far too long and complicated if you ask me. Needless to say my very being was racked with despair and I fight with it still and will for a great long while, I feel.

Oh, and on another side note, you none of these people. They live and die in a city a little ways from here.

Being on a church retreat, you don't expect to handle an enormity of emotional stress. This, unfortunately, was not the case.

My favorite person in the world, as I call her, was at odds with a former friend of hers. My favorite person, Tina, now loathed the soul of Brittany, who shall thus forward be referred to as Tink. I had never met Tink before, but had known Tina long enough for her to become my favorite person.

What it boils down to is my favorite person is a strong willed, wonderful, caring, and understanding person. I care about her more than she will ever think I do, and not even in the way your thinking. I consider it friendship in the highest form. Tina didn't like Tink and I didn't know Tink, but, as you all know, I'm pretty much against not liking people who I have a) never met and b) have no score to settle with. I knew Tina didn't like Tink, but it wasn't going to impede upon me goofing off with people I care about and work with.

Basically, I hung out with Tink a lot one day and talked with Tina a little less, you know, sometimes that's just how it works out. You hang around with certain people and other people happen to be there and sometimes you just can't please everyone.

Needless to say, Tina didn't like it...

I am solely and completely responsible for the hysterical breakdown Tina had...is having...

She said to me things I will never forget no matter how hard I try not to remember...

That if I was really her friend I wouldn't have hung out with Tink...

That if I were the Nick Pankuch I thought she thought I was I would never had done a thing like that to her...

And it tore...tears...rips me apart.

And I must bear all the guilt for something I have not done.

And she would like to spend some time with me?...

She's lucky she's my favorite person in the world...but is she even that anymore?

Well, God provides, as the saying goes.

*the wind picks up and blows his curly blonde locks across his scar-ridden face.*

Trim the sails and brace the foreyard. Bring me that horizon.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Away on Shore Leave

Yes, ladies and gents', i'm going away this weekend for a little shore leave. I need a bit of separation from the glorious harshness of the wind and the waves. I believe if i can take myself completely out of the situation and out of context, it will be easier to get our heading.

So, thus, i give you all permission to go ashore for the weekend. Find yourselves good ale and a good serving whench...or bartender, if that's how you like 'em.

Oh, i almost forgot! we're, uhm, shall we say, short on rum, so, if you happen to find anyone kind enough to lend us use of theirs, be sure to thank them before you take it.

And don't drink it all before i get back. Dibs on the oldest bottle.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

A Battle of Wills...No Enemies, No Allies, Only Truth

I discovered that fact today, ladies and gents. I discovered that, in my frequent exuberance and melancholy there is an everpresent dilemma. A battle, i think, that exists in everyone. The strong at heart know how to claim victory and the weak of soul know how to submit to defeat.

In my unbridled enthusiasm i have realized the dream of the former; I find my inner strength. I have used my experiences, both good and bad, and my decisions, both right and wrong, to better myself and those i who can bear my presence... :) I use this knowledge to free myself from the bonds that confine and restrict the freedom of my mind. I use it to explore my creativity and cause an explosion in my imagination. Turns out it's kind of funy, tpp. I use my talents to impress and enjoy.I use my faith as a rock, along with the previously here stated, to climb to new heights.

One must remember that, for every summit there is a valley. From that height there is only one place to go...until i find my wings, of course, but that's a completely different story. who knows when i'll find her... ;)...but i digress. With these trememdous highs come tremendous lows. That same experiences and decisions i had used to promote my freedom also bind me tighter than any rope and subdue my more than any cage. Nothing but reminders of failure seem to flood my mind. The thoughts of what i have done to come to this point, mistakes, utter failulres, and the desecration of morality and common sense abandoned. It is the acceptance and acknowledgement of these thoughts that free me, but it is the forsaking of them that will cast me down.

Herein lies the key; what must i do to continue to accept them? My crimes are not entirely of a forgivable nature. I have done things that i would loathe my utter being for if i were not the one who committed them. It is an inner struggle that manifests itself in many forms whether it is academics, performance, relationships both past and present, and the life i want to have for myself in the future. What must i do to, frankly, move on? What can i do to close this chapter and begin the next?...

And then you find them...

Those situations, people even...those people whose very smiles will send you soaring...that person...that person that seems to give you what you've been searching for...

A wind and the wings to soar on it with.

* Looks at up at the sun, then down at his boots. He taps the hilt of his sword.*

It's high tide. Set sail and see if we can coax a little more speed from these sails.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Kindling Fires From the Ashes of Anger...and Regret

I try not to dwell on it, i really do. I try not to mope about the fact that that fire went out. That I put that fire out. I start a new fire that shows promise. Promise, perhaps, that i didn't see before, but it only reminds me. It only forces me to remember that there was a fire before it that burned brighter than any I can ever have while still thinking about it. How are you supposed to forget? One would think that staring into the new flames would slowly burn away the memories of the old and not force reminiscence. One would think...

And herin lies the probably. The only kind of thinking your Captain seems to have is hindsight. If he would just stop, stop for but a moment, and consider what he was about to do, he could've saved that fire. Instead, it lies in the center of a field of grass; it could've grown into a wildfire, but it rained. He rained upon that fire with arrogance and lust. He rained and that fire went out without a hiss or a squelch. It was doused in silence and only the tears of his sky continued to ricochet off of the drenched wood.

The skies no longer shed the sorrows, but the sadness seems imminent with clouds of remorse hovering over the plains of...the plains of love.

There is an utter silence, here, a silence brought by neither thought nor action, but merely by existance.


It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all...

I'm not quite sure that man was entirely briefed on the subject before he made that statement...

He had no idea.

Captain Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Smiling

It's a wonderful thing. Really, you simply must try it some time. I know it sounds completely and totally absudr, but just do it. When you're having a moment when you're bummed out, bored, or d) all of the above, just smile. You'll either feel better and continue on with your day in a much lighter mood, or feel so ridiculous that you just start laughing at yourself thus, smiling in the process.

...Or you could just lose more self esteem by realizing how ridiculous you look and then proceed to wallow in self pity in some smally corner of your home listening to Evanescence while condensing your wardrobe into an all black collection. But, then again, you just laughed while reading this, so i guess it's another victory for happiness all across the board then, eh?

You know what makes me smile?

Good food, good friends and wonderful company...

And i meant that in the slyest way possible, in case you were wondering.

Cap'n Vincent
"The Ace of Spades"