For the first time in my life, i don't want to be here. In this house. Ever again.

I spent and hour and fifteen cleaning and straightening, w/o being asked just for the chance that maybe my mother would give me some peace...i sat through dinner waiting on every word she said, not really watching CSI, but just hoping that nothing would happen.

All i got was silence.

'You alright Nick?' she said

'Yeah, yea just fine.'

She didn't say word. I worked my ass off and she didn't say a word. I was thankful and yet horrified. It was the most terrifying, hectic, busying, unsatisfying, silent thing. I just felt that maybe if i did everything for her, she would leave me alone.

And she did.

But it wasn't worth it. To work my ass of for nothing instead of negative? it means nothing. it was as if none of it existed to her.

It was the worst night of my life. Best dinner i've ever had, but the worst night.

I can't be here anymore. It just makes me sad. Everything's so much heavier here. Every glass. every plate, every heart. It was work. It was work to think it was work to breathe it was all work. It was work to exist in a little shred of peace that wasn't really peace anyway. It's all so heavy now.

I just can't do it for you, mom. Everything i've done i've done to make you happy, and then b/c you said so, and then to make you leave me alone and now? Now it means nothing to you. Everything i've striven to be means nothing to you. I am forced to sit around waiting for the next blow and doing everything i can to avoid taking it. I just can't do it for you, mom.

I just.

I need a holiday.

Nick