Davy Jones' Locker

2007-12-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

The Dons Fedora (8:51:25 PM): You have just challenged a god.

The Dons Fedora (8:51:29 PM): It has begun.

That's right. It has started. Kevin has challenged a God. And i will Captain this ship to glory.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait...

2007-04-19T04:29:00.000-07:00

So they told me...

And so i most earnestly tell you.

Wait. It's worth it.

THE END!

;)

~Nick

Ah, sigh, what a place we have here, eh?

2007-03-09T15:51:00.001-08:00

Well, today was a lovely day. Oh, and it rained! And then it was warm! Ah, yes, well, it's the little things in life one must learn to rejoice in, i suppose. At least, that's what they tell me. :)
Anyhow, well, things roll on as they always do. It's just a matter of how smoothly or roughly i let them. And they've been goin' rather smoothly, mind you. Smoothly, maybe wishing there were more roses to stop and see along the way, but smoothly none the less.

Well, i suppose it's time to plant some roses, then. Don't mind me, i'll be in the garden for a while. I'll watch the birds a while, the bugs, and wait for the flowers to grow.

It'll always comes back to that, doesn't it? Waiting for the flowers to grow. Whether it be roses, apple trees, or anything of the sort. Everything just depend on waiting for the flowers to grow. Or i could go into a deep metaphor, but i'm in no proper mind for that. :)

Well, i'll be off. No dilly-dallying, i suppose. :)

Oh, and by the way, Josh Groban is fantastic. And, to be horribly cliche, his songs remind me *sniffle* of my life *sniffle sniffle*. Oh boy. Hehehe!

Hasta!

~Nick

2007-02-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

Well, at least im getting some help now. Thats the first step, they say. Admitting that you need it. Maybe the psychologist can fix it. At least that way i wont do anything stupid again. My head and stomach still hurt. I hope this makes things better. I dont like it when things like this happen and when i go crazy. losing control. I hope this makes things better.

Oh, and i dont think ill eat another buffalo wing again.

I am chained and chained i will remain

2007-02-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

Happiness comes from satisfaction and being sufficient enough for yourself and, less and, yet, more importantly, those around you. Both of which have been stripped from me. I cannot be happy, now. Not truly, not at all.

I tried so hard to make it work, to make her happy. I saw that maybe things wouldn't work the way i wanted it to. So i stopped. And i walked away. And...and now i can't even speak. Now i can't even sleep or breathe or eat or anything. I just can't bring myself. If i cannot be there, than why am i here at all? To see her like that was unbearable.

And then to have my parents say the same. To say that i was too much trouble, ungrateful, not good enough, not trying hard enough. That. I cannot speak.

I think i have just made the biggest mistake of my life.

I have no idea. I thought i was right. I thought this was the way.

I think i was wrong.

I am not chained

2007-02-02T04:36:00.000-08:00

I will not, should not, and cannot sit here anymore and be thrust in and out of this situation. I'm being tossed around like a salmon at a fish market and i'm being dropped! I will not be dropped, d'ya hear me? I can't be. Not anymore.

I am liberated.

I am free.

i am the best friend you always wanted.

I am the guy who will be there 'til kingdom come.

I am exactly what you need.

I am not obligated to feelings that are not obligated to me.

I am on my way.

I...

I refuse to have a bad day.

My Starry Eyed Glsses of Gone A Hazy Shade of Winter...and I like it

2007-02-01T04:13:00.000-08:00

Something about the snow...Something about the snow made it very different, today. Different to handle, different to consider, different to analyze, different to stop analyzing. Different to realize that to analyze was to ruin it. Different when i figured out that it isn't fair to ME. To ME, of all people.

There's just something about the snow...something that made me sit on that front porch for half an hour and want to say so many things, but end up just talking about everything anyway. Something that made me never want to leave.

Something that let me get home in a miraculously short amount of time.

Something that said THINK YOU IDIOT! AND STOP SCREWING AROUND! Think about it.

Something that made me want to shout it to the world.

Something that made me want to sit in a park for hours on end.

Something that thinks i really should.

Something that made me see what it was to be a 'before' and not an 'after'.

Something that's ready. Ready to go.

There's something about the snow...

Please snow

2007-01-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

I wish it would snow more. For some reason i feel incredibly at ease when it's snowing or raining. I just feel like i could sleep in it. Like i could sit out in the snow and let it cover me and just breathe in the cool night air and be at peace. I don't know why, quite frankly, but i wish it would snow more.

I wish it would rain. I find it so terribly pleasant to rain in the winter months. Ice cold droplets and the like...it's just...refreshing, i guess.

I'm in the most peculiar mood. For some reason, the only thing i can think about is how i wish it would snow more. Everything i think and thought seems to be so infinitesimal right now...like, no matter how much i thought it did, it never really mattered in the first place.

God i'm a psychopath.

Well, here's to that.

From the flipside,

Nick.

P.S.

Ask me what i did tonight...tomorrow i mean. Ask me what i did tonight tomorrow. Right.

Of Pwnage and Jesus

2007-01-27T19:19:00.000-08:00

Two things you wish you hard more often in the same sentance...lol

Anywho, Yorkville=pwned. PLain and simple. Congrats to my fellow pwners for, well, pwning. Bravo and i demand, nay, require an encore.

OoO. And, if you care to, i'm getting Confirmed tomorrow and afterwards there's a nice little jesus schindig at my house if you want to come and chill w/me...it's at 6 pm. Tere'll be dinner, friends from church, craziness and jesus, so come and stop by, even if it's just for a minute or two. Oh, and Mass is at 3pm at Sts. Peter and Paul. mapquest it if you care to.

Ah, somedays are just good, you know? and somedays...somedays are just weird...

but somedays. somedays are

perfect.

See you on the flipside,

Nick

Conference

2007-01-21T06:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, ladies and gents, the first SouthWest Suburban Prairie Conference Championship goes to Oswego East. Oh yea. Lean with it, rock with it, baby. Oh yeah. Li and I took third in dda, damn skunk judge, and i took second in hi, even though i beat the kid who got first in both of my prelims but w/e. I'm very happy with my performances...not that they really matter to me in the slightest right now...

Well, congrats to the OEHS speech team for doing a fantastic job yesterday.

Now that's what i call pwnage.

Clanking his medals, and hoping everyone else is doing the same, ;)

Nick

Sleigh Bells Ring, Are Ya' Listenin'?

2006-12-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

I sure hope you are. Ah, Christmas time. Gotta love it! I love Christmas Eve, too. We go over to my grandparents house and they give out all their presents and we give them theirs and the food is good and the laughter is contageous and i wish i could take everyone i knew! *sigh* But, alas, the only reason that i couldn't is...

My grandma probably didn't make enough cookies. Yup. Only reason.

oOo, tell all of ur Christmas plans here, unless ur on a cruise!!!...lol, anywho. Oh, and

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Feeling jolly,

Nick

Rockin' Aroud the Christmas Tree

2006-12-20T04:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, folks, its that time of year again. The time where joy and hapiness pervades the soul of ever cold hearted SOB around the world. Where ya' give and'ya get, but you just enjoy the time you spend together because, knowing the typical American family, it's probably the only time you're not bashing in each others skulls.

;)

Well, here's to Christmas break, ladies and gents. Stay in touch. Look here for any anouncements regarding holiday parties, etc 'cause i'm sure there's gonna' be one.

oh i almost forgot.

My URL
http://www.myspace.com/thespianpancake

My Blog URL
http://blog.myspace.com/thespianpancake

there's that...i have joined myspace...i know, i know, it's nothing against you, Blogger...i'm just expanding my horizons...

Well folks, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays,

Nick

Bop It's Revenge

2006-12-18T03:55:00.000-08:00

Ask me about that, or spence, max, dexter, or jake, for that matter. Bop It will return with a vengeance.

Had a pretty good weekend. cavyr's party was good, so was max's house, obviously. Speech was good, a little disappointed in myself for not breaking ,but it can only go up from here and, with a whole lot of hard work, I can do it. For hi and dda.

Other than that, just havin' a blast. christmas is in a week! HOly CRAP. I still haven't done my shopping! ....ruh roh.

:)

Well, folks, time to go eat breakfast. I'll talk to y'alls later today.

The first time in a while i'm not on the flipside,

Nick

And the Award For Worst 'Hint-Taker' Goes To...

2006-12-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, thank you, thank you. you'd think i'd get it after a while...lol...guess not

today was an okay day...my ticker was botherin' me a little today...Dani was pretty stressed so i'm pretty worried about her...probably don't have to be, but i am... ;)...here's to me for overreacting... :P

Work was alright...long, as usual, but worth the time, i think...'specially for what i'm usin' the money for. :) Best birthday present ever in the history of the world. No joke, either. No really, you're not gonna believe it.

Anywho, well there ya go. Tomorrow looks promising, and i hope to make it much more.

Well, time to hit the hay, my friends. Oh, and Josh, here's to some honest graft.

Slicking the streets with no help from the rain,

Nick

2006-12-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my life, i don't want to be here. In this house. Ever again.

I spent and hour and fifteen cleaning and straightening, w/o being asked just for the chance that maybe my mother would give me some peace...i sat through dinner waiting on every word she said, not really watching CSI, but just hoping that nothing would happen.

All i got was silence.

'You alright Nick?' she said

'Yeah, yea just fine.'

She didn't say word. I worked my ass off and she didn't say a word. I was thankful and yet horrified. It was the most terrifying, hectic, busying, unsatisfying, silent thing. I just felt that maybe if i did everything for her, she would leave me alone.

And she did.

But it wasn't worth it. To work my ass of for nothing instead of negative? it means nothing. it was as if none of it existed to her.

It was the worst night of my life. Best dinner i've ever had, but the worst night.

I can't be here anymore. It just makes me sad. Everything's so much heavier here. Every glass. every plate, every heart. It was work. It was work to think it was work to breathe it was all work. It was work to exist in a little shred of peace that wasn't really peace anyway. It's all so heavy now.

I just can't do it for you, mom. Everything i've done i've done to make you happy, and then b/c you said so, and then to make you leave me alone and now? Now it means nothing to you. Everything i've striven to be means nothing to you. I am forced to sit around waiting for the next blow and doing everything i can to avoid taking it. I just can't do it for you, mom.

I just.

I need a holiday.

Nick

No, mom, I'm Sorry

2006-12-06T03:55:00.000-08:00

You think for one second my mother could realize she's nagging me? She did it in front of Spencer, for crying out loud and she tried to say that she wasn't when, very, very clearly, she was.

Can i get a moment's peace? You wonder why I'm stressed and have to feel like a flippin' robot all the time w/this stupid thing i'm hooked up to, it's not because i do too much, that's for sure. Sometimes i wonder if i don't do enough. It's because you, mom, unceasingly tell me i'm doing to much and need to slow down and that i'm going to hurt myself and that i slack off in my responsibilities at home and , when i forget stuff i need to do, you flip out and say that i do it just to make your life harder and make this more difficult for you when, in fact, the only people who get the rotten end of that deal are Liss and I.

I have over a 4.0, i do bloody awesome in speech temand and drama, i'm a half decent son, i get home on time, i do my homework, my room is relatively clean...you'd think you could give me a break, but no. There is always more work to be done, always room for improvement.

You know...

I'm just not good enough for you, am I, mom?

Yeah, that's what i thought.

I'm jsut complaining too much...maybe it's not that bad...somebody somewhere's got it worse,a fterall...but man

Yeah, yeah that's what i thought, mom.

Catch you folks later,

Nick

Have I Told you Today How Lucky I am...

2006-11-28T03:44:00.000-08:00

The end of the Schmuel Song from the Last Five Years says it all, ladies and gents. And that is the one thing i have, besides all of you, of course.

;)

Well folks, let's just take this one day at a time, shall we? Yesterday was, well, it was monday, but like i told Dani, I've had some dang good mondays. :P

But today, today is tuesday and, thusly, better than monday.

God, I'm such a nerdball. lol. OoO I can't wait to go caroling on friday with vj...that should be a nice fun and relxing time. You should all come and hang with us! And then a speech meet...Morris, but tough none the less...that should be fun...hopefully we'll come home with some hardware from that one....mmmDDA....yummm....all our duets this year have a great deal of pwning potential, lemme' tell ya'...

Well, i suppose i should get oof of my fat arse and get ready now, eh? Well, you all should listen to the Schmuel Song...it'll make you smile...and chuckle...and

think.

'Til I die or ya' find someone better,

Nick

P.S. Starship Troopers. Now that was a funny movie...it's where that signature's from...that was a funny movie...obnoxiously gorey...but funny...kind of.

:/
:?
:]
:p
:)

I Understand You've Been Runnin' From a Man that Goes By the Name of the Sandman...

2006-11-26T19:08:00.000-08:00

At least, that's what it feels like, ladies and gents.

Here we go.

Thump. Thump.

Right on time...so far...

Worried...stressed...it's an endless cycle...

I'm making no sense.... i should sleep.

Don't throw away those leftovers just yet!

2006-11-23T18:42:00.000-08:00

THE Re-Thanksgiving!!!
Who: OEHS Drama/Speech Kids/Friends o' mine!
When : Saturday, Nov. 25thTime : 5:00 p.m
Where: Zach Haf's new house

Its at 745 Spires Drive Oswego

On wolf, theres a road called 5th in between Plank JH and the town houses.
After your on 5th go past the first road (It goes all the way through) the next left is Versilles, take it.
Then take an immediate right onto Bonaventure.
And then a left onto Spires
My house is the fourth on the right side, its gray.

Call him atr 408-1705 for more info!!!!

And bring food! Lots of it! These are the times we long to remember, so let's give ourselves reason! And what good reason it is!

And bring sparkling grape juice...lots... :)

See you there

P.S. Check out Hilary Clark's blog for details 2

http://iistehprocrastinatorintehlair.blogspot.com/

P.S.S. HAppy Thanksgiving!

80th post...sweet

2006-11-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

That's cool. Thusly, i will fill the post with something cool; things we should appreciate more. The times we just genuinely laughed.

To taking rootbeer shots
To taking too much of the previously stated
To playing a bad game of spin the bottle...of Pam, that is
To the ice cube game
To small plastic weiners
To small plastic food in general
To taking shots of monster
To the people who can actually stomach the previously stated
To taking belly shots
To wearing animals on your head
To driving around in circles
To going fishing
To the ice cube game
To failing at the previously stated
To mostly truth or dare
To Guitar Hero Two
To completely pwning the previously stated
To Spencer's Dad's mullet
To crying myself asleep last night because of the previously stated...lol
To having a portrait of yourself being done in streamers
To Dani being more attracted to the streamers than to me..lol
To Being Jeolous of the streamers...lol
To not being tickelish...
To realizing you are, in fact, tickleish
To little tiny water guns that cause great pain
To bringing toupes back...
To not knowing how to spell the previously stated word
To wishing you had more times like these
To realizing that every day is like that
To realizing that you never really want to let these people go
To realizing that you don't have to
To Lauren and Irving
To the previously stated finally happening...lol
To being slap happy
To losing a sock
To sitting on the roof of a car
To missing someone
To embracing someone
To making someone smile
To making someone laugh
To being mushy
To not being able to help being mushy
To Christmas
To caroling
To giving presents
To getting presents
To giving really good presents
To your heart beating faster when you think about someone
To your heart skipping a beat...which mine actually does, so does my mom's...

To your heart stopping ever time she smiles...
To having to find a way to get the previously stated heart starting again
To realizing you don't really have to

Happy Holidays

Nick

...'Til I'm Done Thanking God...

2006-11-13T04:00:00.000-08:00

Another little clip from The Last Five Years. What a great musical...i never really get tired of it.

Well, ladies and gents, nothin' too new to report, here. Just the same wonderful weather we've been having and the same lucky son of a gun to tell you about it. And oh, lemme' tell ya', am I a lucky son of a gun.

;)

To "Finally's" and not "Maybe's",
To laughter,
To singing,
To good singing,
To Church,
To Mountain Dew,
To good pizza,
To bad pizza,
To learning a new language,
To root beer floats,
To skipping,
To watching the clouds,
To throwing snowballs,
To watching snow fall,
To waiting for Santa...
To knowing Santa really does exist... ;)
To changing the world,
To bowling,
To bowling badly,
To waiting just to see her smile one more time,

Yeah, here's to that.

Nick

P.S. Transit has Guitar Hero 2...dude...we are SO gonna rock...

Obligations

2006-11-09T04:01:00.000-08:00

First, i would like to say that the band concert last night was wonderful! And i'm not just saying that either. There were some gorgeous pieces performed admirably yesterday that really took you out of the world you knew and into someplace inspired by music. Forgetting, i call it. beautiful fine arts, like that band concert, can make you forget. Can take you elsewhere. Bravo, bandgeeks, bravo. Props to the brass. Those mello's and trumpets, man, they were awe inspiring, lemme' tell ya'...and i'm not just sayin' that either.

*sigh* Unfortunately, the majority of my night was not spent pondering the beauty of music, among other things... ;)..... but instead was making phone calls in regards to my wonderful ability to be the master of double booking myself. First off, i had intended not to go to the eighth grade concert because i had a very important rehearsal for a mass coming up but, as i was informed, a cappella was singing at that concert, besides the combined piece i mean, and i pretty much had to be there...so, as you can imagine, the choral director for this mass was not exactly happy with and, after what I made him realize, not too happy with himself. I seem to have sent him into a rather dramatic tailspin away from being, quite possibly, the most amazing church choral director ever...all because I couldn't keep my schedule straight...

And i can't do the limelight radio show because i have to get a job very soon if i intend on going to DIsney World this year...don't worry i emailed Brian last night about it...he's probably not very happy, but circumstance prevents me from making everyone happ all the time...

And throughout this entire endeavor, my mother has been there to remind that it is, in case there was any dispute about te matter, my fault that the choir is going to go downhill because i am not there, my fault that Limelight will not be very pleased with me, my fault that my integrity has been blemished, my fault that i haven't gotten a job yet, my fault that i can't keep my schedule straight.......all of which is true...but like i need one more person ramming it down my throat constantly.

I'm srry. I do hate venting...it really gets you nowhere in life...time to fix it

Wishing he had found the time to kiss her goodbye....damnit,

Nick

Yes........................................................................................Schwat?

2006-11-07T03:59:00.000-08:00

That was pretty much the extent of that wonderful episode. Yes, ladies and gents, after 30 days of waiting, waiting, waiting, perserverence paid off in the end. I have finally gotten my second chance.

Yipppeeeee!!!

That was definately the most wonderful monday i have had to date. :) What am i going to do about that Dani girl? Be utterly romantic....or fail miserably. :P Well, here's to given it all you got, eh?

In reality, i really just don't know what to say. It's kind of funny, actually. Speechless...of all the times to be speechless.... :)

Here's to rootbeer ice cream, Osama Bin Laden, Ghandi, world peace...and the purple corner.

;)

Wishing he could do a backflip, several actually,

Nick

And The Little Boy Looked at His Brother and Said "Who are you?" and he Replied, "I'm the Godfather, Kid." and handed him an orange...

2006-11-06T04:10:00.000-08:00

Yeah...the title's a little wacky, but it will become clear in the end...

First off, Dani's party=flippin' sweet. It was SO fun. Sometimes I love being a teenager and that, my friends, was one of those times.

I had a funny eperience, though. In reference to the title, I was just talking to Kevin, who was dressed up like good ol' Veto, and i noticed something. There was something about his face i couldn't accept. Something i didn't recognize. i went to talk to Spencer about it but he had it too. There was something about us. Something was...different...something at that party had changed all of us...then, i got it.

We grew up.

Just a little, but enough to get noticed. Not maturity wise, of course, but definately in action. I looked at myself in the mirror and I too didn't recognize myself. And the younger ones, in reference to all the Soph's and the Freshy's that were there, still looked young. It was intriguing. Kind of crazy, actually.

Well, i should probably get ready to go to school. :I not quite sure how i feel about that...lol Well, have a good one, folks. Stay outa' trouble and don't forget

You're never as young as you are right now.

Mapquesting Neverland,

Nick

To Be Continued...

2006-11-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

but before we do.....where's that Marching Band Schindig at? Apparently the characters are invited?...Just leave me a blurb....a bigger/better post coming soon to a theatre near you...

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way Home From Men's Ensemble...

2006-11-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

I just started playing...i sat at that piano for the better part of three hours...and i just played...it was as if time didn't matter....by God...it was absurd....It was like i had heard it before, but not quite...like i had heard it along time ago...but so far you can't remember when...

Whoa...it was weird...ask Josh Riefsteck about it...he describes it rather well...or Hilary....or Liana...or Kylie...my oh my oh my...

I have to write it down...it's absurd...and quirky and it all makes sense! Ah! You know what it was? Naw, i'm not going to tell you...

Questioning Music,

Nick

P.S. Props to the Oral Interp Reader's Theatre...it was hilarious...some things should never be forgotten....THAT, friends, is one of them...

And That, Ladies and Gents', is How You Go Out

2006-10-30T03:56:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes it is. And don't you ever forget it. Here's to you.

Wishing Oct. 25-28 was a relative statement,

;)

Nick

Real Days...

2006-10-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure how else to describe it...there are days when you get up and the sun feels a little warmer and the breeze a little brisker and the air a little fresher...it just feels so much more real...hehehehe

I had a pie for breakfast. Yeah bro, oh yea. That was some damn good French Apple pie, lemme' tell ya'.

I just know today is going to be fan-flippin'-tastic. it's makin' me giggly...

Here's to never being as young as we are right now...and optomistic perseverence.

Wishing 21 was his lucky number,

Nick

When you thought it was all goin' downhill...

2006-10-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

Life reminds you why in the world it smacked you with a ton of bricks in the first place.

Today was just a damned good day, i must say. Classes were uber fun, for a change, Diviners went very well today, i felt very good aobut my work, but never satisfied, i was reminded why in the world I love singing so much, God bless Julio the Cat, and, well, yeah!

Ah, gotta' love these days. Not to say that life isn't having its tumbles, of course, b/c it most certainly is, but that's really not the point now is it? AS i told Zack Hafenrichter

Music isn't just there, you have to make it.

being the poster boy of stupidity, yeah E-Steel y Michael Tornado y The Sharma-nator, to say something this remotely intelligent was a bit out of my comfort zone...

:P

God I love my work.

lol...anywho, life rolls on with a vengeance that just keeps rediscovering the same good reasons it's been rollin' on before.

And here's to the purple corner, where i find more happiness in the friendship there than anywhere else.

:)

Wishing it would snow more often,

Nick

Of Voice and Uber Pretzels

2006-10-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

Now that's what i call a weekend. :)

Scratch that....I've had an apostraphe

2006-10-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

Yes i said apostraphe.

And yes i meant epiphany.

Look, ladies and gents, here's the spill. Things are certainly not going to get better if we all sit around and yell and point fingers and be the teenagers we DON'T HAVE TO BE! And so i take that first step. WE have to WANT this to get better, folks. We have to approach every day not with the thought of man i hope this is a good day but, rather, Man THIS IS A GOOD DAY! This is how we need to live, friends! WAke up! We're all a little too sleepy. We all have to 'open our boxes' as Mr. Serra says, but leave them open!

It's time to live, people. And now is the time.

To tomorrow, the best day yet,

Nick

Insecure Mistakes

2006-10-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

These little nibblers have a tendency to create lies in order to save one's ass and it's a sad thing when I see a friend succumb to it and turn on me. After everything i've said Kim would say that, of all things and then, once i knew , turn on me in an attempt to quell the truth. The truth will not be quelled and no lie or form of deciet shall keep me from it. And that is all i will say about it.

Where was I? Ah yes....square one.....waiting...and lovin' every minute of it, lemme' tell ya'.....well, almost every minute....

2006-10-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

Long title, i know, but that's just how it goes.

Well, folks, it's been quite a tumultuous weekend, lemme' tell ya, but i won't bore you with the details. In summation, i finally got the courage to give the dorky little book to Dani and went over to her house and the whole shabang. We'll just see how that works out. Stay tuned.

The Diviners is getting there, it's really starting to get there. Today's speed run was a good test of lines and comfortability around people on stage. It really brought everything into perspective for everyone. This really has the potential to be a great show and, now, we;re just starting to realize it. Everyone is doing such a fantastic job. Jared has never stopped amazing and Carl is as fantastic as usual, the same with Lauren D. Spencer's bein' the old grumpy man he really is and zack and Sean are livening things up so much. Lauren B is steppin' out of her box plenty too. And Liana and Erin are, as expected, up to their old tricks of pwning major ass again. And Dani's stuff, aside from bein' pretty creepy at times, is really quite somethin' to look at. Gives me shivers.

They're all so fantastic. Pleasure to work with 'em, i tell ya'. We'll have a damn fine show yet, i assure you. Damn fine. :)

Well, that's all for now folks. Stay outa' trouble and keep in touch.

Waitin' on the world to change,

Nick

When all you can really think of to do is laugh...

2006-10-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

I had two memorable moments like that today the better, or worse for that matter, of which i will share with you.

So my mother, in her infinite wisdom, chided me today. It took every ounce of control not to laugh hysterically and flip out on her at the same time. The scolding was something along the lines of...

"Just because you get straight A's doesn't mean you shouldn't break your good habits." Pardon? WTF? I can take a frickin' break every once and a while and talk to my friends online if i want to. I'm getting A's for the love of Mike. What more do you want from me? And that made me laugh. The incredible power of my mother to expect perfection out of excellence. Gotta' love it. Then she continued to rat on my room not being clean, never giving myself enough time to do any of my work and being home late all the time. I laughed to myself again. It's kinda funny, i guess. Oh well, what can ya' do?

Laughing is pretty much the only response i can think of presently. This weeks not goin' to bad. It's time to step it up with the Diviners. I just got to focus so much more now. This show isn't like POP or Macbeth or anything we've done before. It requires utter devotion which i intend to give to every extent of which i am capable. We just have to wipe are feet at the door and leave the world there. It'll be hard, didn't say it wasn't going to be, but it must be done.

This weeks going to be a good week. I can feel it. :)

Well friends, that's all for now. Tune in next time for...

Laughter at it's worst,

;)

Nick

P.S. And pray for Kylie who may need it for her grandpa.

We Are Men of Action...

2006-10-11T04:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah...'bout that. Heh. ;) Anyway, i'll give you brownie points if you can tell me what movie/book that line comes from.

Well, life's not too shabby right now i guess, folks. You make the most of what you can and the best out of every situation as per usual, but it just seems to pay off a little more when it means somethin' to people. And yet...and yet my mother can still find a way to demand the highest from me. Same with my dad.

It's like they have no concept of what is actually physically possible for me to accomplish. Wanna' know somethin great? Right after the lock-in, which was fantastic not to mention, i'm riding home with my mom whom insists on lecturing me about how my room isn't clean and i didn't do my chores yet. Now i'd be okay with that except that i had no time to do them all week and she makes it out as if i had all the time in the world! And she ignores the fact that i have not had any sleep at all. So, even though i should've done them before, i went to sleep for a couple of hours, got several stern looks encouraging me to do my chores, did them, ate lunch and then went to sleep. For real this time.

Now, i don't mean to come off as whiney or complainy, if the latter is actually a word or not, but i just kinda' need to vent about it every once in a while. Keeps the anger from invading everyday life, ya' know?

Anyway, other than that, life's alright. Not too bad, but it could be better. Everybody's could in some little way, i guess. Well, at least i don't really have school today. Well, that's all for today folks.

Tune in next time for the amzing complaints of.......

Nick

anticlimatic, i know.

"We are men of action, lies do not become us."
- Wesley, The Princess Bride

The Truth of the Matter is...

2006-10-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, things have really started to add up here. 'Specially for my parents. I don't know how or why it happenned, but we are flat broke and it's really startin' to ge to me. It's gotten to the point where money is starting to detract from the overal level of happiness experienced in my house, and that simply just cannot happen. It just can't. I guess i just did this out of desperation. Yeah, call it stupid, dumb, or what have you, but it just got to the point where handling it all was gettin' pretty tough and maybe, i don't know how, this thing was part of it.

Stupid, i know.

Anyway, i'll just get through this one way or another. I have to, for my parents, at least. I'm not asking for a pity party or nothin' but i just thought i'd throw that out there. It was tough for me to go bowling tonight. A buck 'fity a game, and i t was tough. Oh, Kimmi, found my quarters, i'll pay ya. My mom felt so bad. I could just see it in her eyes. She really wanted to give me somethin', anything, but she didn't have it. She just didn't. I'm just going to have to get a job. Don't know when the Hell i'm gonna work, but i just gotta'. To pay for all my stuff myself and for some of my sisters and whatever i can.

Well, off i go. Tryin' to save the world again. Here goes nothin'.

'Til i die or you find someone better,

Nick

John Keating: "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be."

Dead Poet's Society

Well, there's nothing to keep me here now, is there?

2006-10-07T06:20:00.000-07:00

A song i used to hum quite some time ago.

They Can't Take That Away From Me

The way you wear your hat,
The way you sip your tea,
The mem'ry of all that
No, no! They can't take that away from me!

The way your smile just beams,
The way you sing off key,
The way you haunt my dreams
No, no! They can't take that away from me!

We may never, never meet again
On the bumpy road to love,
Still I'll always, always keep The mem'ry of

The way you hold your knife,
The way we danced 'til three.
The way you changed my life
No, no! They can't take that away from me!
No they can't take that away from me!

Well, folks, that's all. The end. Nothing to see here. Just move right along down the road. I'll catch you all another time and another place, but La Isla De Muerta has become just that. I'll comment every once in a while, but this is the kaputzka for Davy Jones' Locker. I'll be around, no worries. Things have just started to add up a little, ya know? We all carry luggage, the little burdens of life. My parents, school, theatre, speech, and, well, questions without answers have all really kicked me in the pants lately. Don't worry, i'll ge through this somehow. Afterall, i'm Nick Pankuch

I have to.

Good night and Good luck,
Your friend,

Nick

Giggle, Giggle, Stop!....and Giggle Some More Why Don't Ya'?

2006-10-06T04:08:00.000-07:00

Ah, good times. Anywho, I'm really excited about the lock-in today. I have a feeling it's going to be not only fun, but a very, shall we say, interesting experience. Fruits has a tendency to be into that sort of thing. It should be fantastic, whatever happens.

Ooh, went to the Panther Marching Review yesterday and it was pretty sweet. Now, i don't pretend to know much about marching bands, but there was some pretty darn cool stuff goin' on out there. And the NIU Marching Huskies were fan-freakin'-tabulous! Band is pretty sweet, I must say.

Hmm, what else? Let me see here...well, that appears to be all for now, folks. Have a lovely weekend, stay out of trouble, and try not to get sick. Everyone and there mother seems to be catchin' somethin' awful lately so wash your hands and the like.

Tappin' the night away,

Nick

P.S. Hey Mike....5....WAAAAh..... :)

This Much I Know is True...

2006-10-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

Life just keeps on rollin' and rollin', folks. Its got its occasional bumps and lovely downhill spurts but, overall, it's like waitin' to be pushed down the hill. Just sittin' in the trash can waitin' to give yourself that little shove...well, we'll see. I know I say that a lot, but, one has to keep the faith somehow, I suppose.

Transit came over and ran lines with me today...then Boba Fett got his ass kicked by Jango and Vader reminded Luke who his daddy was. Yeah, nothin' like some pointless, unbalanced board games to break up the monotony of life.

Well, nothing to interesting to report here. Mi hermana jacked up her leg...which sucks. She's gotta hobble around on crutches for a while. At least I'll get to make great Newsies references about Crutchy and all. There is a bright side to everything. Really, there is. I'm pretty anxious about IMEA...but we'll just take that however it comes. Oh, and we started this really cool song in men's ensemble today. It's from Sweeney Todd and it's quite romantic. I'm a sucker for good romantic songs. Should be fun... :)

I guess that's all I got for you right now, folks. Nothin' to grand or interesting...least not yet. I'm waiting though, oh, trust me, I am. Waitin' for the opportune moment. I'll know it when I see it...hope it's soon.

Patiently Impatient,

Nick

Feelin' Gutsy in Addison Trail

2006-10-04T04:02:00.000-07:00

So IMHO auditions weren't horrible...'cept for the sightsinging. Things like that are considered illegal in most states, but apparently not this one. I did my best for the time and there's not much more I could ask of myself than that, i guess. I just ran out of breath in some weird places during the prepared pieces...but it wasn't tooi bad. I really hope more than one person makes it, and, with all the talented and skilled people who tried out, I think that shouldn't be too hard.

'Course, the title has nothing to do with the auditions, see. ;) When one spends nine hours in a strange place singing strange music in front of strange people, Julio included, one tends to become, well, more strange. we definitely reached the ice cream phase. It was absurd. Hilarious, but ridiculously absurd. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where all of us suddenly got gutsy. In Addison Trail. We all suddenly realized what we had to do...in Addison Trail. I just hope our courage plan has rollover, if you catch my drift.

Missing her arms,

Nick

Fiddle Fever

2006-10-02T19:22:00.001-07:00

I need that cd, Spence. I do believe that everyone has heard that song, Fiddle Fever, i mean. That somewhere, deep in your heart, whenever you've laughed, or cried, or kissed, or loved, or embraced, or smiled that this is what it sounded like. It's SO gorgeous. brings back a lot of good memories. It's the kind of song that makes you wish life was just a little bit longer. Ah, i really have to get that cd.

I've decided that it's like teetering on the edge of a diving board. The thrill of jumping off and making the biggest darn splash you can possibly make but, at the same time, realizing how high you are and that you're losing your balance...Oh the suspense, it's horribly wonderful. i'm such a dork. srry, can't help it.

E Steel and i got to hear Julio's band tonight. Pretty flippin' sweet. And that was one big spider.

Not to be completely and totally random, but i love to watch the lightning. My dad was talking about how, back in the day, the guys would get together and drink rootbeer in somebody's garage watchin' the lightning and the rain. Those were the days, eh? Those were the days, indeed. Lightning has that tragic beauty to it, ya know? Like a wilting rose...yeah. Those were the days.

IMEA tomorrow....ahhh. Not exactly sure if i'm ready, or capable, of making it this year. I know the music, but i question if my voice will be well enough. Power of positive thinking, eh Dani? i hope it works...

Well, that's all i got for you tonight, folks. Nothin' too interestingly fantabulous goin' on in the life's of little old me. Well, besides that of course. And we'll just see how that goes, i guess...maybe one a' these days i'll...eh, maybe.

Cryptically blatant,

Nick

You Betta' Shape Up...

2006-10-02T04:25:00.000-07:00

Wow, i had completely and totally forgotten why i hated the musical Grease until i watched it again this weekend...and at the same time, I seem to remember all of the flippin' songs. And, they get stuck in your head real easy. Gotta' love it, just gotta love it. I decided that any car i purchase, no matter how far away that time may actually be, will be named Grease Lightening, simply because it's horribly cliche and i like it. So there. Srry i didn't get to hang out at the after party...my parents went to see a play and they wanted us home...eh, schmeh. What can you do? Not much, that's what.

Well, this week looks to be a fairly long week, least 'til we get to the lock-in. That should be a whole lot of fun and a really cool experience, i think. Fruits has a knack for that kind of stuff. This show, lemme' tell ya' man, this show is gonna' be somethin' else.

Well, today looks to be an okay day. Now i just have to find a reason to make it a great one...shouldn't be too hard, eh?

;)

Automatic,
Systematic,
Hydromatic,
Say goodbye already,

Nick

Could'a, Should'a, Would'a...

2006-09-30T21:01:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to be too push...I didn't want to crowd her too...I didn't want to go too fa...I didn' want her to get ang...I didn't...

Damn.

I know, i know. If i was waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.

Ugh. Well, there goes the neighborhood.

It was a blast though. Here's to Luis, the biggest pimp i know. And to Liana and myself who reminded every guy and girl what it means to dance Latino style. And to Kylie. My back really hurts...lol...and to Jared who gave Luis a run for his money for bein' a pimp...And Fruits because...well...he's just himself.

Those are just to name the few i can remember...It was SO much fun. Here's to a damn good time.

I know, i know...I tried to change the subject.
Didn't work too well, eh?

Look, i've done all i can short of being a nuisance which, knowing myself, i've probably already succeeded in doing. We'll just see where things go from here, k? It'll be one heck of a ride, and probably a long one at that, but hey, things don't always come on a silver platter. One heck of a ride, indeed.

Wait...who's drivin'?

With enough horrible cliches to make you nauseous,

Nick

Sigh...

2006-09-28T04:01:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, here we are. What a lovely place to be, eh? Metaphorical sarcasm, if you would.

Nothing too incredibly interesting goin on...homecoming this saturday...That should be an absolute blast. Hopefull the gents will get to have an overnighter on Friday...loosen up a little before we party it up. Lol.

Well, other than that, i got nothin for ya' folks. I hate to be boring and dismal, but life just keeps rollin' on. It's fun to see what each day throws at ya', but when it starts to throw the same things over and over again, you get tired of the monotony of it all real quick.

Well, today's a good day and it looks to be rather nice, i think. We'll see what happens, eh?

Borin' you to death ;),

Nick

Rise and Shine...

2006-09-27T04:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up to the wonderful surprise of my window still being open. My father nearly always closes it, which I hate, so it was rather pleasant to feel the cold autumn breeze brushing against my face. I had one of the most interesting dreams yesterday.

I talked to a horse. Not just any horse, a horse who talked back. Yeah, somethin' tells me my mother put something in the barbecue chicken last night. When we were walking to the stable, presumably this horse's stable, I, for some odd reason, was counting the steps. The horse started counting too, but said all of the numbers wrong. This horse wanted to know everything about everything. It was weird. Especially machines. It didn't get the concept of cars and the like. And it was eating these big ass acorns. There was this tree that had really big acorns on it and it would pick one up with its teeth, put it down and step on it and then eat it. And Taylor and Zack Bare and Carl and Fruits were in it. Fruits was trying to shove all of these little tiny VW Bugs into one garage along with this model of a P-38 Lightening, my dad's favorite WW2 fighter plane, which he promptly dropped and tried to carry the rather large thing all by himself, refusing to let anyone take the burden.

Yeah. I'm pretty much a psycho. Just thought I'd share that little tidbit with you all. Not like you didn't know anyway.

Well, no day but today, eh? Promise me something. Yeah, all of you. If you read this before you go to school, which I expect only Kel-c will get around to that, promise me that you will try and make today one of the most wonderful days to date. I can promise you that I'm going to. Just, live a little. Take chances. Laugh a little harder and love a little longer. And jump. Take that leap of faith. See what happens.

But don't go without a bunji cord, eh?

;)

With the shape of an L on his forehead,

Nick

The Courage To Speak

2006-09-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

Egh...

The one thing that i seem to have no trouble doing, doing too much of now that i think about it, i can't seemt to bring myself to start. I'm such a pansy.

I'd rant to y'all, but you've heard it all before and wouldn't believe me anyway, no matter how hard i tried. No worries, to be expected of course. No hard feelin's. It's just how life rolls, sometimes. One must overcome their own flaws and mistakes in order to climb to new heightts. Not to perpetuate the metaphor or anything, but it's this last step here that's killin' me. Just talking.

See, ladies, us gentlemen here, some of us ain't too good at talking about, dare i say it, feelings. XD Cracks me up just thinking about it.

Well, the only solution seems to work up some momentum and hit the ground running. And probably end up rolling down the hill, but at least it's worth the trip, eh? No pun intended.

same lame guy

same lame channel,

Nick

P.S.

I just played through my two favorite piano pieces of all time. Did better than usual, but i didn't feel it. At all. I hate that. I hate to miss the beauty and the love of things and the good times i could have, might have...might have. I would hate to miss that, but, even more so, i would hate to waste her time.

Egh...my sister's got a headache...she's gettin' sick...damn.

A Pleasant Kind of Torture

2006-09-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

I know, i know. Cliche titles are starting to get to me, too. I can't help it. I'm a cornball. It's hereditary, believe me. My father takes the term corny to an entirely new level never before experienced by mankind.

Alright, now to the pleasant torture. Well, my sister is going to the dance, courtesy of a rather zealous Mr. Hafenrichter, whom i did not expect to do that, but was pleasantly surprised. She'll have a good time. That much is assured. So, i went in to talk to my sister right before we were hittin' the hay and she says, "Wanna see my dress?" 'Course i do! So she turns on her light, which was off for some reason and opens up her closet. I almost died laughing at the irony. It is the same exact color and style as hers was. I just about died. It was hysterical. It is hysterical.

I love it how the Big Man Upstairs has a funny way of letting you know he's screwin' with you. What a punk.

:)

Well, let's see how gutsy we're feelin' today, eh Hil? This may get interesting. Yup. I do believe it will.

Plain and simply,

Nick

...My arms won't free you,
and my heart won't try...

When the Sand Runs Out...

2006-09-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

Since when did i listen to country, let alone Rascal Flatts? Who knows, but i like it. 'Tis a good song, too. Listen to it sometime. It's about livin' life to the fullest. Novel concept, eh? :) Oh, Okalahoma-Texas Line is good, too. Makes me laugh.

Well, thank you to the anonymous person who posted that thing from my sis's myspace. Wow. She's twice the person i could ever be. Stronger, faster and she's got wisdom to boot. Beats my sorry little ass, that's for sure. It's a rather pleasant feeling, too. We've talked about it of and on, her being my sister and all, and she's very determined to make her own name. :) Runs in the blood, eh? She'll do a fine job, too. She plays a mean game of basketball, she can act, she can dance, she can sing, and probably fly, if she really wanted to. It wouldn't surprise me. Not in the slightest.

Well, here's to undaunted and untameable spirit. It's the most beautiful thing i've seen.

I'm just sorry that the guy that loves her doesn't understand her for her. What's worse is he's one of my best friends. sigh. Oh, J-Mac, that's going to be an interesting conversation.

Here's to the truth, may it never die.

And here's to dancing be it in the rain or homecoming or next to a warm fire without music...that maybe i can try it one more time...cause i've changed.

Stay tuned,

Nick Pankuch

...Maybe, maybe,
you wouldn't say goodbye...

P.S. I Melt, listen to that one too.

Dancing in the Rain...

2006-09-23T20:08:00.001-07:00

I can easily say that that was the highlight of my year, to date. There are no words to describe the flood of emotions, pardon the pun, that i had. Have. Yes, have. Have indeed. I wish they never leave.

None the less, Mrs. Clark, it really doesn't change the fact that i have yet to be proven wrong in the matter, though i look forward to the possibility in earnest yet it remains but a possibility still.

However, that doesn't change how wonderful it was...

Here's something i wrote today. It came to me instantaneously. It was kind of strange. Maybe it's not done, maybe it is. We'll see.

If You Could See Me Now

If you could see me now,
I'd tell you everything i never said,
I'd show you worlds we'd never seen before.
I'd take you to an empty sky and
fill it with stars.

If you could see me now,
I'd tell you what you mean to me,
And how you are my everything.

But you can't see me now.
And seeing you there in his arms
I shed tears of joy and sadness,
And yet i seem to die without you.

If you could see me now,
I'd take you far beyond our dreams,
But what does all this dreaming mean?

Singing to an empty sky and wishing i could hold you once again!

If you could see me now,
Maybe, Maybe.
If you could see me now,
Maybe you wouldn't say,
Goodbye.

Yeah, i'm a cheezeball. Sue me, sue me, what can you do me? Ten points to the ppl who get that reference. Ten more points if you get the irony.

On a much less brighter note, no pun intended there either, i found out something quite, i don't think i have a word for it. Devastating? I don't think it comes close. Turns out my sister really like this guy, which comes as a wonderfuly surprise, right? Yes, yes it does. You thought that's where the dramatic plot twist was. Anywho, this is where our tale gets serious. I had known this for a little while when 'til we went to the football game where my sister was rather upset, even though we were winning and it was a good close game which us Pankuch's always enjoy. I confronted her about it to whcih she responded, as per the norm, "I don't wanna' talk about it." To which i kindly replied, "Nice try. Spill it." Well, i know why she didn't want to talk about it now. This guy, whom she, apparently, really, really, really, likes, which doesn't happen very often for my sis understand, won't date her. Why? Because

She's Nick Pankuch's little sister.

Now, i don't care how much of an ass the guy is or whatever, The fact that my sister likes him, and he possibly likes her but won't give her a chance because she's related to me is devastating. The person that i've created, as crazy and weird and ridiculously fun as he is, hopefully, has hindered her. My sister. How are you supposed to respond to that? I almost feel like i should pack up and move out. I couldn't do that to her. I'm responsible for cause her trouble and like that, especially? I just, i just can't take that. i don't know what to do. How are you supposed to tell your sister that you would stop being who you are if you could, just to let her smile, even if it was for that short of a time...but you can't. It hurts her too. A lot. I see it. Every day, i do. I just don't know.

Well, that's all folks. I'm no Peter Barsch, Sean Connery or Micahel Buble.
Just good old, good for nothin'..;)... son of a gun

Nick Pankuch

Use your mentality, wake up to reality,
But each time i do just the thought of you makes me stop just before i begin...

I'm feeling gutsy, Hil. A little more than usual.

;)

No Day But Today...

2006-09-22T04:33:00.000-07:00

Idk, folks. Today just doesn't feel right. I'm not quite sure what it is, but somethin' ain't kosher here.

Well, there's a game tonight. That, at least, should be a whole lot of fun. They always are. Hangin w/ the marhcing band is always good and Luis should be there, which is just gonna be hilarious.

Well, the Pankuch family as we know it is havin' to bite the bullet. Theatre Fest is all the money my mom had left....all of it. Aside money for food. Wow. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It's just gonna be rough....nothin' like Ramen noodles, eh? That's some good eatin'. :) I just hope i can find a way to procure enough money to go to homecoming. Egh. The aforementioned situation being, there seems to be a distinct possibility to the contrary. Damn. Well, we'll figure this out one way or another, eh? We always do.

Well, whatever happens, this is gonna be interesting. No day but today...

I'll stick to my guns 'till the bitter end, folks. 'Till they shoot me down in flames and glory, but, until then, I'll do everything i can. Everything.

To the Siege of Fort Sumpter, eh Reverend Reifsteck? Indeed. I pray this hope lasts through the night.

No matter what...

Same bad time, same bad channel,

Nick

No Matter What...

2006-09-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

No matter what, i'll be here all the same. In whatever respect you care to have me in, I'll be here. Through thick and thin or till the Earth explodes; I'll be here. No matter what. Things are different, now, you see? I'm different. I've changed, for the better. Not that i'm Jesus, or anything, apparently that's Carl's job....or Kylie's....i'm a tad confused aobut that actually....but anyway...I've seen the things that i've done tear friends, family's and loved one's a part and those things aren't a part of me anymore. Plain and simple.

But, more importantly, I'll be there for you. No matter what happens, I'll be there for you.

It's my job, remember?

;)

No lies, no alias

Nick

Like Rollercoasters? Well, you're gonna!

2006-09-18T17:24:00.000-07:00

First off, I will have no comments of a negative connotation unless they are for the sole purpose of comic relief. Anything judged not funny, or not funny enough, will be immediately deleted, as were the comments on the last post. There's your disclaimer, now on to rollercoaster.

Don't you just love 'em? With there up and downs and twists and turns and a really good drop and barrel roll. Ah, Six Flags, and Disney World, i.e. Space Mountain and the Rockin' Roller Coaster, and, more importantly, ah Life.

I don't have to ramble about how life is one humongoginormous roller coaster that we all have to get off of someday, so I'm not gonna'. I'll I'm going to say is.

For your maximum enjoyment, please stick hands and feet outside of the ride at all times.

Bad joke, I should delete that...

Well, you all know I'm one for posting lyrics...so here it goes. A lovely little taste of Sean Pankuch, my hermano.

Fairy Tale
by Sean Pankuch

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy,
She thought he was, well, just fine and she was his source of joy,
He prayed everyday that she would see,
Exactly how he felt, just what he needs

Come to my sandbox bring your shovel and your pail,
You are my pretty princess, you are my fairy tale,
Come to my sandbox bring your shovel and your pail,
I am your prince charming, I am your fairy tale

She looked at him and smiled and said 'I'll try to catch up to you,
Just keep your head up, and don't be blue',
Then that day came and her smile came too,
She said 'I might not be caught up, but I know that I love you',

Come to my sandbox bring your shovel and your pail,
You are my pretty princess, you are my fairy tale,
Come to my sandbox bring your shovel and your pail,
I am your prince charming, I am your fairy tale

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy,
we'll let them create the end, let's hang on
to their joy!

Come to my sandbox bring your shovel and your pail,
You are my pretty princess, you are my fairy tale,
You are my fairy tale,
This is our fairy tale.

He wrote it about him and his fiance a while back. I like it. :) It's something we all are looking for.

Here's to the day we find it...or found it. ;)

Cap'n Vincent of The Tomorrow
"The Ace of Spades'

Now Hold the Boat!

2006-09-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

Alright, ladies and gents. Listen and listen good.

I don't know what on God's green Earth is goin on, but it stops. I don't care what i did, what i didn't do, what she said, what he said...we're human beings, for Pete's sake. Let's be mature. if you have something to say to or about someone, say it to their face. Trust me, it has a better effect that way.

We all just need to take a step back...

And go bowling.

Let's just calm down and take this one step at a time. We all make mistakes. That's how the world progresses. Because we all get second chances. That's how we move forward.

It'll all turn out fine in the end, you'll see. God has a funny way of making things work.

Live, laugh and love, friends.

Cap'n Vincent of The Tomorrow
"The Ace of Spades"

2006-09-17T05:37:00.000-07:00

You know what?

I watched the sunrise about an hour ago and my room and the sky and the world glowed like i have never seen before.

It was one of the most beautiful things i have ever known.

Huh. I just had a pleasant thought.

Even the rising of the sun starts with only a sliver of light.

Have a good one today, folks.

Cap'n Vincent of the Tomorrow
"The Ace of Spades"

Try A Little Tenderness

2006-09-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

God Bless Michael Buble, Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor. There's nothing like typing three AP US history essays while listening to some of the most romantic music God put on this green earth. Ah, God bless Marc Broussard too.

Well, folks, here we are. Just me and my little sliver of hope. You never know, though. That little sliver could go a long way.

Here's a song for you.

I've Got You Under My Skin
by Michael Buble

I've got you under my skin
I've got you deep in the heart of me
So deep in my heart, that you're really a part of me
I've got you under my skin

I've tried so not to give in
You know I've said to myself this affair ain't gonna go so well
So why should I try to resist, when baby will I know so well
That I've got you way under my skin

I'd sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of having you near
In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats in my ear

Don't you know fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, step up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin'
Cause I've got you under my skin

:) That song makes me smile.

i took more pictures, Em. They're so wonderfully gorgeous. And it was fun to look for them too. i still have 23 more, too. :)

Well, I'm still not done with those essays...
:)

...Just the thought of you makes me stop before i begin....

;)

P.S. Have fun at Illinois Band day all you Band Geeks!

A shot in the dark

2006-09-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

Well, friends, it looks like that's what i got. It's like trying to hit a tiny little target in the dark and then somebody blindfolding you for extra giggles. Then you got this little itty bity target to shoot at. As if the odds aren't stacked enough in your favor, you're standing next to the crowd favorite...and it ain't easy to go against the flow.

Lemme' just say that, no matter how this whole shabang turns out, i think it's been worth the leap. It's been worth the leap of faith even if it turns out it was just to fall. I think, in this single edeavor, i have learned more about determination, persistance, willpower, faith, and being true to your self than i've ever known before. I'tll be worth it, no matter what, even with all the things I lost along the way, the chance to gain that one thing, the one person who really mattered, that, well, that just makes it all worth it. It's funny, one goes from no knowledge of any future at all to a sliver of a hope....just a sliver, and the whole journey seems to be worth it in the end.

I hope i can stay true to that, even throught the trials and tribulations. But, most of all, i hope that maybe, just maybe

I can hit that little target in the dark. Maybe, just maybe...well, even if i can't.

Doesn't mean i ain't gonna' give it one helluva' try.

Cap'n Vincent of The Tomorrow
"The Ace of Spades"

Learned

2006-09-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is through our failures that we will succeed in those failures.

I only hope this holds true. It's one long game of poker, Mr. Schwartz...one long game.

There's and awfl lot of wood, cavya. Uma'd have her work cut out for her.

And to you Tori, my regards for sticking to your guns even if it means the worst for me. You stuck to your truths and there is much honor to be had in that.

And to you Mr. Pankuch, i leave nothing that has not already been given to you.

Cap'n Vincent of The Tomorrow
"The Ace of Spades"

2006-09-12T15:50:00.000-07:00

Well, you see folks, maybe i was wrong. Maybe it was worth the leap, the real question should be whether it's worth a fall. One must constantly remind themself of the possibility of failure. of the thought that slight chances are nothing but. That optimism only goes so far before realism kicks. One should trust me. I know.

Humility truly defines who we are, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It dictates our course of action and, ultimately, our way of life. It is these times, when we are the most naive and, seemingly, the very wisest that one must find the strength to be humble. For it truly takes strength.

You know, Kylie, maybe it is shattered into a thousand pieces, but i rather like it that way. If not on fire with passion, then let it learn to be humble. Maybe somewhere i'll find strength.

Hope. Whisper it a little closer for the word eludes my ears, now and i know not where it has gone.

If

2006-09-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Read, this. You'll like it. It really makes you think.

By Anonymous

If i knew it would be the last time that i'd see youu fall asleep,

i would tuck you in tighter and pray the Lord your soul to keep.

If i knew it would be the last time that i see you walk out the door,

i would give you a hug and a kiss and call you back for one more.

If i knew it would be the last time i heard your voice lifted up in praise,

i would videotape each action and word, so i could play it back day after day.

If i knew it would be the last time,

i would spare an extra minute or two to stop and say "I love you."

istead of assuming you know i do.

If i knew it would be the last time i would be there to share your day,

Well i'm sure you'll have so many more, so i can just let this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight,

and we always get a second chance to make everything right.

There will always be another day to say your "I love you's"

and certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything i can do's?"

But just in case i might be wrong, and today is all i get,

I'd like to say how much i love you, and hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike,

And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomoroow, why not do it today?

for if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day that you didn't take that

extra time for a smile, a hugh, or a kiss, and you were too busy to grant someone,

what turned out to be their one last wish.

So always hold them dear.

Take the time to say, "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, or it's okay."

And if tomorrow never comes, you'' have no regrets about today.

Ain't that the truth.

Cap'n Vincent of the rechristened Tomorrow

"The Ace of Spades"

God Almighty Do I Love It When I'm Wrong

2006-09-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

Yes siree! Prove me wrong from now till kingdom come and i won't give a rat's ass! You heard me right! I'd pretend i was a pessimist just so i could be wrong when things went right...

Confusing, i know. And no, i'm not on crack. Too expensive. To quote the great Robyn Williams...

"Crack is God's way of telling you you have too much money."

Anyway...That's all you gotta know right now. Oh, and The Diviners is going to be so spectacular i can hardly contain myself! This is my favorite role to date hands down and no competition. Ferris has so many levels and motivations...he's a world unto himself.

Ah! So much fun! And to be a dad like Ferris. An old family man! To know and love people and to have seen countless years of the world...wow. A daunting yet intriguing task.

What a wonderful day. I got a good whiff of the lovliest fresh air today. YOu know what it reminded me of?

Guess.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

What Did You Expect?

2006-09-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

Quite frankly, i don't know what the Hell I expected.

My impression?

Flattered, but no thanks.

I don't know what I thought was gonna' happen. Miracles are for people hwo need them; i consider myself a little further down on that list. Not to mention i had to go and be a regular brand good old asshole today. Great job Nick. Now you've screwed stuff up with a bunch of people. Now that's a talent i bet you wish you never had.

Now i'm just stuck. That's a pain in the ass. And the head. And the stomach.

You know bro, now i don't know which is worse; Regretting that i would never have done it, or regretting that i never should have. I just can't seem to put my finger on either one.

And now, in true Nick Pankuch fashion, i'm draggin everyone else's mood down, too. Great. Fantastic work there, sport. What else can he do? Fetch?

I'm curious as to why i even bothered. I knew better. I know better. It's a hopeless cause for a hopelessly failed romantic.

I think i'm gonna quit my day job.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Victory and Defeat

2006-09-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

Ain't that the truth, eh? Well, we most certainly won the football game tonight and that, friends, is a very, very good thing indeed. Rather satisfying, actually. Gives you a sense of accomplishment, even though all you did is cheer, but then again, where would a football team be without a crowd?

A very quiet football field, that's where.

One must remember, however, that good always has its counter. That there must be a defeat for every victory. In fact, there are, most likely, many defeats before that first victory, and so it goes. Except that one just doesn't "win" or "lose" in this fickle game we play, one loses and loses still with every victory. It is the overcoming of loss and the realization of true victory that shapes who we are. The problem is when one fails to see this loss and loses far more than one could ever imagine. This loss is not easy to overcome, if it can be at all. It may be acceptance that must be looked at as the answer, but, wait a sec, Hell no!

I'm a stubborn son of a bitch, like i'm gonna' sit on my ass "accepting" shit. Yeah right.

It's just a question of whether the above statement matters at all.

I should really stop regretting things so much, but i have no ability to focus on the present, thus leading myself back to the past.

Wow, sometimes i wish i could think like a normal 16 year old. Then again, how boring would that be?

All i can hope for, i guess, is that i can make it through somehow and that things work ouot for the best.

But, well,

One can only do so much.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Just When You Thought You Had it All Good...

2006-08-31T16:06:00.000-07:00

That's basically the long and the short of it. I basically gave myself one of the best first semestres good 'ole East has to offer and my second semestre is looking even better.

If the sarcasm isn't blatantly obvious, then remind me to slap you later.

So, it would appear to me that this year is going to be quite the bitch. The one you have swabbing the poop deck until his hands fall of and then you throw him down with in the bilge with the rats and tell him to skin potatoes until you realize he has no hands and then you just put him in a dress, push im at the plan and see if you can hit him with a cannon.

Excuse me...not quite sure where that came from. And yes, i did say "poop deck".

Oh, and, like i've said vefore, Life always has a nack of having more than one ton of bricks. Let's just say that one can never fully purge themselves of their past. They can only learn to accept it and move on. Your past has a tendency to never want to be forgotten and, believe me, it doesn't intend to be. Then there are confrontations. Confrontations that no one will ever hear about, but you must live with everyday and keep to yourself. The really tough ones for us high schoolers. The really tough ones.

And then there's the ever-looming threat of succumbing...succumbing to what i was before.

HA! This is gonna be fun.

Oh, smell the sarcasm.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

The Wisdom of Negativity

2006-08-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

I guess what i've discovered is that, for those of us that enjoy doing things the hard way, and yes, Carl, i do imply you along with myself in this statement, is that, on occasion, you have to let these things bother you. It hurts. No one said it wouldn't. It's to be expected, though.

I guess it's part of growing up.

Ugh, isn't that nasty. 16 and already attempting to grow up. Nauseating.

But i mean come on, who expectd me to be happy go lucky for the rest of my life?

Wait a second...i smell a plot to undermind the good in people! I knew it! Negativity trying' to be a wise ass and snuck in the back door.

And here's where the rant starts...lol....thought i'd give you a little warning...

I guess it is in my nature to take this as a challenge, then, if nothing more. A challenge to be obnoxious without being an arrogant asshole....if that's even possible...lol...but why not try? What is there to lose? To be spazmatically happy with no regrets! To make my frineds from school realize what my frineds from YLC are talking about...who they are talking about, rather. An interesting prospect. It wouldn't be very easy, but it's enticing none the less.

I guess, for the first time, i've realized that happiness comes at a price. A price that one must get used to paying. Frequently.

'Cause happiness is a goldiggin' bitch.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Falling, Falling, Falling

2006-08-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

Does that ever happen to you? Do you just find a picture or a note and sudden remember a smile and a laugh that drives you to the brink of tears? Or a friend brings it up, whether purposefully or not, and you go back to every waking moment of happiness followed by the pangs of pain and regret that tend to linger longer than you like?

I'm not one for holding on to the past, whether it be a grudge or mistakes or the like, but this, this of all things, holds on to my mind more than anything else and i never cease to forget. Part of me wants to let it go forever while the other half hangs on if only for the pain. Because, before the pain, comes a brief reminiscence of happiness. Of a smile. Of a warm embrace.

And then all of your flaws start to creep back in your mind. Everything you've ever done that's hurt someone. Things you can't do no matter how hard you try. Things that never yusually bother you, but have, somehow, found away into your heart and start to tear it a part. can' run fast enough, can't be strong enough, smart enough, quick enough, witty enough, funny enough, can't be good enough.

Reality comes in with that two ton hammer and gives you a right good smacking with it.
There's no place for your happy go lucky attitude here!, it says.

You know what? I lost my happy thought.

And i'm all out of fairy dust.

Damn.

It would appear my flying days are over.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

A Weekend of Reflection, Fun, Disappointment, Deficiencies and Nothing to Show for it Save a Pair of Newly Shined Shoes

2006-08-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

Indeed this is a weekend to remember. A great many things came from this weekend. Some more interesting than others, but all of them, save one, will change things. I have reaffirmed things about myself that i cling to, whether intelligently or not so, in order to continue with my life and rediscovered those things which drive me to the brink of cynical madness.

A disturbing thought, i know.

And i remember things that make me feel the wings on my back and remind me that i can take flight and soar higher than the stars.

A disturbing thought, i know.

:)

And I found these things, things that build anger. Useless, distracting, uncontrollable, unfathomable anger. An anger i have never truly been susceptable to before, until now. Things that don't really concern me or should anger me in any way, but drive me straight to that insanity again.

I know, i know.

And now i find that silent determination seems to be the only avenue of escape and silence, as you can imagine, is not one of the things that i am accustomed to.

And all i have to show for it is a pair of newly shined dress shoes.

Thanks for that Cody, it was worth the ten bucks. Well worth it.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

P.S. 7.50 a shoe? That's ridiculous. Even for an impecable shoe, eh Carl? :)

Smooth Sailing, Perhaps?

2006-08-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hello there, ladies and gents of The Revenge, and how are all of you this fine morning? Well, I assume? Good. Quite the same over here. Nothing tragically wrong with the winds that carry our ship, but, then again, nothing quite fantastic either, eh?

A thought just occurred to me, as they so often do.

Why settle for contentment?

I'd like to point out how ridiculously boring it is. from whatever level you examine it, "just being happy" is not really all that great. Then again, who am I to dictate what satisfies people? Too true, too true.

Well, then, i'll proceed to go off on a rant aobut not settling for being content, alright? Good.

In this little old brain of mine, i just see no reason to stop. Why should'nt you push yourself to excel in all that you do? Why not run the extra mile? Why not take it a step further? Why not dare to make a difference? Why not step out of the circle just for the thrill of seeing what it's like? Why not apply yourself? Why not work to your fullest potential? Why not realize that potential? Why not look around and see what a beautiful and glorious place we live in? Why not see the art in everything? Why not go out of your way for someone? Why not show gratitude? Why not respect?

Why not live life to nothing short of the fullest?

Because we are hindered. Because there are eople out there who convince us otherwise. There are mothers who need your room cleaned before they encourage. Their are fathers who need the touchdown scored before you sing the solo. There are friends who need to "stick it to the man" before they realize they can do that in more ways than one. There are too many people who punch before they think and people who take too long thinking before they punch. There are people who try to convince us that settking for less is better, easier, more fun, and a great time.

You know what the issue is? There is a door to be opened between satisfaction and excitement. On that door is written challenge and difficulty and daring and pain. Opening that door is no small feat.

All we have to remember is that it takes a bit of a push. It's an old door whose hinges have yet to be tested.

Ladies and gents, i intend to blow that door right off.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

P.S. I got my hair cut. All of them, in fact. Really short. :)

Run out the Guns...this is about to get nasty...

2006-08-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

Well, lads, you heard me! We ain't got much time to do it, either. Things have taken a turn for the worst and your Cap'n here may be payin' for a debt that isn't his. It's not even my fight, for Pete's sake!

In essence, this Cap'n here has has been hapless enough to wander into a war and he's bein' forced to pick sides. Honestly, neither of them may be right, but i do know which one's wrong. That much is certain.

So, enough with the shanannigans. Basically, Tina is angry at me for showing a tad bit, alright, you got me, a good deal, of affection towards Tink whom, in case you forgot, lied to Tina's face about a mistake she'd made in her relationship. I really do like Tina a lot, she's my favorite person, mind you, but i'm morally opposed to not being around someone whom i like or, at the very least, enjoy the company of purely because my frined doesn't wish it. I'm going to do what makes me happy first, then i'll worry about someone else. Besides, i'm not even involved in the conflict! Who am i to judge Tink for lying to Tina about what she did; no one, that's who. I have no right and neither does she. Plain and simple. And now, ladies and gents, i am forced to take a fall for it. A fall that may drastically change how things work at my youth group. And, the sad thing is, whether i win or lose, somebody's not coming back. This isn't good.

It bodes ill for every mother's son who calls himself pirate.

Run out the guns, ladies! Give me grapeshot every other cannon! Arm yourselves, lads. We take the ship.

*a young deckswab steps forward and speaks in a humbled tone*

"And what of the survivors, Cap'n."

*Cap'n Vincent stopped and tapped the hilt of his rapier. He drew it and sighed as he leaned on it. His weary body collapsing onto the steel. He stood tall and laid it on his shoulder drawing his pistol in the process.*

"There's not enough rum for 'em. Let 'em drink Davy's."

Raise the black flag. We sail under the colors you were born into. Let every mother's son remember why she's named The Regret. And never let them forget it.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret before the battle against the Forced Debt.
"The Ace of Spades"

Sometimes it Causes Me To Tremble...

2006-08-06T17:58:00.000-07:00

Well, you nasty little blighters, you, I'm back from shore leave and what a shore leave it was, let me tell you. A very memorable shore leave that will be hard to forget no matter how hard I seem to try.

I don't feel like being cryptic, but I don't really want to disclose names or be any more specific than I have to only because the anguish lies too close to the surface and I am not going to give the entire background story, either. Far too long and complicated if you ask me. Needless to say my very being was racked with despair and I fight with it still and will for a great long while, I feel.

Oh, and on another side note, you none of these people. They live and die in a city a little ways from here.

Being on a church retreat, you don't expect to handle an enormity of emotional stress. This, unfortunately, was not the case.

My favorite person in the world, as I call her, was at odds with a former friend of hers. My favorite person, Tina, now loathed the soul of Brittany, who shall thus forward be referred to as Tink. I had never met Tink before, but had known Tina long enough for her to become my favorite person.

What it boils down to is my favorite person is a strong willed, wonderful, caring, and understanding person. I care about her more than she will ever think I do, and not even in the way your thinking. I consider it friendship in the highest form. Tina didn't like Tink and I didn't know Tink, but, as you all know, I'm pretty much against not liking people who I have a) never met and b) have no score to settle with. I knew Tina didn't like Tink, but it wasn't going to impede upon me goofing off with people I care about and work with.

Basically, I hung out with Tink a lot one day and talked with Tina a little less, you know, sometimes that's just how it works out. You hang around with certain people and other people happen to be there and sometimes you just can't please everyone.

Needless to say, Tina didn't like it...

I am solely and completely responsible for the hysterical breakdown Tina had...is having...

She said to me things I will never forget no matter how hard I try not to remember...

That if I was really her friend I wouldn't have hung out with Tink...

That if I were the Nick Pankuch I thought she thought I was I would never had done a thing like that to her...

And it tore...tears...rips me apart.

And I must bear all the guilt for something I have not done.

And she would like to spend some time with me?...

She's lucky she's my favorite person in the world...but is she even that anymore?

Well, God provides, as the saying goes.

*the wind picks up and blows his curly blonde locks across his scar-ridden face.*

Trim the sails and brace the foreyard. Bring me that horizon.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Away on Shore Leave

2006-08-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gents', i'm going away this weekend for a little shore leave. I need a bit of separation from the glorious harshness of the wind and the waves. I believe if i can take myself completely out of the situation and out of context, it will be easier to get our heading.

So, thus, i give you all permission to go ashore for the weekend. Find yourselves good ale and a good serving whench...or bartender, if that's how you like 'em.

Oh, i almost forgot! we're, uhm, shall we say, short on rum, so, if you happen to find anyone kind enough to lend us use of theirs, be sure to thank them before you take it.

And don't drink it all before i get back. Dibs on the oldest bottle.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

A Battle of Wills...No Enemies, No Allies, Only Truth

2006-08-03T20:37:00.000-07:00

I discovered that fact today, ladies and gents. I discovered that, in my frequent exuberance and melancholy there is an everpresent dilemma. A battle, i think, that exists in everyone. The strong at heart know how to claim victory and the weak of soul know how to submit to defeat.

In my unbridled enthusiasm i have realized the dream of the former; I find my inner strength. I have used my experiences, both good and bad, and my decisions, both right and wrong, to better myself and those i who can bear my presence... :) I use this knowledge to free myself from the bonds that confine and restrict the freedom of my mind. I use it to explore my creativity and cause an explosion in my imagination. Turns out it's kind of funy, tpp. I use my talents to impress and enjoy.I use my faith as a rock, along with the previously here stated, to climb to new heights.

One must remember that, for every summit there is a valley. From that height there is only one place to go...until i find my wings, of course, but that's a completely different story. who knows when i'll find her... ;)...but i digress. With these trememdous highs come tremendous lows. That same experiences and decisions i had used to promote my freedom also bind me tighter than any rope and subdue my more than any cage. Nothing but reminders of failure seem to flood my mind. The thoughts of what i have done to come to this point, mistakes, utter failulres, and the desecration of morality and common sense abandoned. It is the acceptance and acknowledgement of these thoughts that free me, but it is the forsaking of them that will cast me down.

Herein lies the key; what must i do to continue to accept them? My crimes are not entirely of a forgivable nature. I have done things that i would loathe my utter being for if i were not the one who committed them. It is an inner struggle that manifests itself in many forms whether it is academics, performance, relationships both past and present, and the life i want to have for myself in the future. What must i do to, frankly, move on? What can i do to close this chapter and begin the next?...

And then you find them...

Those situations, people even...those people whose very smiles will send you soaring...that person...that person that seems to give you what you've been searching for...

A wind and the wings to soar on it with.

* Looks at up at the sun, then down at his boots. He taps the hilt of his sword.*

It's high tide. Set sail and see if we can coax a little more speed from these sails.

Cap'n Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Kindling Fires From the Ashes of Anger...and Regret

2006-08-03T07:47:00.000-07:00

I try not to dwell on it, i really do. I try not to mope about the fact that that fire went out. That I put that fire out. I start a new fire that shows promise. Promise, perhaps, that i didn't see before, but it only reminds me. It only forces me to remember that there was a fire before it that burned brighter than any I can ever have while still thinking about it. How are you supposed to forget? One would think that staring into the new flames would slowly burn away the memories of the old and not force reminiscence. One would think...

And herin lies the probably. The only kind of thinking your Captain seems to have is hindsight. If he would just stop, stop for but a moment, and consider what he was about to do, he could've saved that fire. Instead, it lies in the center of a field of grass; it could've grown into a wildfire, but it rained. He rained upon that fire with arrogance and lust. He rained and that fire went out without a hiss or a squelch. It was doused in silence and only the tears of his sky continued to ricochet off of the drenched wood.

The skies no longer shed the sorrows, but the sadness seems imminent with clouds of remorse hovering over the plains of...the plains of love.

There is an utter silence, here, a silence brought by neither thought nor action, but merely by existance.

It is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all...

I'm not quite sure that man was entirely briefed on the subject before he made that statement...

He had no idea.

Captain Vincent of The Regret
"The Ace of Spades"

Smiling

2006-08-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

It's a wonderful thing. Really, you simply must try it some time. I know it sounds completely and totally absudr, but just do it. When you're having a moment when you're bummed out, bored, or d) all of the above, just smile. You'll either feel better and continue on with your day in a much lighter mood, or feel so ridiculous that you just start laughing at yourself thus, smiling in the process.

...Or you could just lose more self esteem by realizing how ridiculous you look and then proceed to wallow in self pity in some smally corner of your home listening to Evanescence while condensing your wardrobe into an all black collection. But, then again, you just laughed while reading this, so i guess it's another victory for happiness all across the board then, eh?

You know what makes me smile?

Good food, good friends and wonderful company...

And i meant that in the slyest way possible, in case you were wondering.

Cap'n Vincent
"The Ace of Spades"

Lakehouses and Driving With the Top Down

2006-07-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

There's something to be said for swimming all day, lemme' tell ya'. Swimming with friends and just being relaxed and enjoying yourself. You ever felt that? Just pure enjoyment; no strings attached. No "when am i supposed to be home"'s or "do i look okay"'s or "does he....does she..."'s; pure, fun, blissfull enjoyment. When you realize you're having it, it's the strangest, most wonderful thing you've ever felt. And then, you realize that you met these people not too long ago and you know them just as well as you know your best friends now. And that, ladies and gents, is what takes a day from great to memorable. Faces that look at you, smile, and tell you that you're on there list of their favorite people in the world. And you tell them the same.

Have you ever driven so fast that your face went numb? In a convertable, of course....It's quite an exhilarating feeling, lemme' tell ya'. Blasting "Piano Man" and just tapping to the music and letting the wind blow through your hair. It's somethin' else, I tell ya'. Somethin' else. There are some things in your life that you simply hace to experience. Wow. Today was probably one of the most memorable times of my life, presently i mean.

You know why? Simple; for one day, people knew who i was and knew where i had been in life and, you know what? They laughed and threw sand at my face. It's those kind of people that are going to change the world, I tell ya'. It's those kind of people that really turn your life around. It's this kind of day that really makes you want every day to be just the same. It's this kind of day you never want to forget.

It's this kind of person that you want to be.

Never let that die.

Cap'n Vincent
"The Ace of Spades"

The Strangest Thing I've Ever Felt...

2006-07-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

The stinging sensation never really left my eyes, i guess. I felt it again, not even watching the movie, but merely thinking. The mere thought of it sent me reeling. It was, in fact, the strangest thing I've ever felt. "What," you may be asking, eh?

The sea. The thought of an overwhelming sense of insignificance. The thought of throwing caution to the wind and letting it billow in black sails. Yes, black. You know i wouldn't have it any other way. ;) The thought of being a gentleman of fortune and taking what is, no pun intended, rightfully, mine for the taking. The thought of giving everything you have to the sea and letting it take it all away with the chance you may earn it back again along with things greater than dreams. The thought of the soft, rocking lullaby of the ship as it tosses in the Earth's blue embrace. It's blissfully enchanting. I can't describe it to you vividly enough, it seems.

Now, only a way to quench this thirst.

Anybody up for a trip to Tortuga?

Cap'n Vincent
"The Ace of Spades"

Conversations you wish you had...or need to have....oh boy

2006-07-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah, about those...I've got quite a few of them, presently, that i've held off on because, to put it quite frankly, i'm a little scared to. Too afraid to tell a friend that, maybe, i had made a decision too hastily about something i consider to be very important...among other things.

And don't you hate when they don't stop bothering you? Ever? Yeah, i'm not a fan of that either.

It's so nerve-wracking sometimes, ya' know? To be sitting around in your house, day after day, thinking, 'Man. I really should give them a call..' Oh, Nellie Furtado. This is going to be one heck of a ride, ladies and gents, but i'm looking forward to some rather good times. Times with new friends and old. It's a pleasant thought, friendship. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, ya' know? That there are people you can just lay it all out on every good once in a while. What a pleasant thought, eh?

Forgive me. I'm still coasting off of that wonderful feeling. That little, fleeting 'maybe' that floats in and out of daydreams, whispering into your ear every once in a while just to taunt you a little further, then, as quickly as it came, it whisks away on yawn right before y ou fall asleep leaving you a little colder than before. And yet, the warmth of good days past still lingers.

Smell that?

It's hope.

A Troubled Threshold, Instant Mountain Dew, Praising God with Song and Compressed Hydrogen, and a Story About a Boy Who Made Noise

2006-07-23T17:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm back and with such a vengeance that I can change the world I know and love. I can change it forever, but first. I'd like to say hello to all my compatriots in praise from the former, how morbid, YLC choir. You're most welcome. Make yourself at home, cause you sure ain't leavin' anytime soon, that much I can promise, but before we do, here's to you Noel, I'd like to start with an excerpt from 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 that best depicts what this entry is going to be about...

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing...

Let's start from the end of this story and work our way backwards. I came home from YLC as vibrant as I'll ever be to a home that was far from it. I opened the door to a father who had expected a mother to bring us home who, in fact, was driving to Peter and Paul to pick us up. Before he asked us how we were or anything of the sort, he began muttering something to himself, of which only the words "your mother" were discernible, picked up the phone, called my mother, apologized to her for having to turn around and come back right as she was approaching the church, and then he decided to ask us how we were. This, I think and am pretty close to being dang sure a bout, is the Good Man Upstairs reminding all of us that taking this experience back with us into our daily lives is not going to be easy, in fact, it's going to be one of the hardest things we'll ever do. I only bring this up because it's what we all need to hear most of all. Remember everything we've shared because things like this should, and will, never die. I simply won't let them.

Ah, instant Mountain Dew. No ladies and gents, not the kind you can "JUST ADD WATER!" to and give yourself a nice rush, but something a lot quicker and much more satisfying. This lovely little section goes out to the most wonderful people in the world I will have, or have ever met. You know who you are...and in case you're curious. "OOPA!" I can't believe he spelled it like that... :). You guys, to put it quite frankly, have done something so amazing for me. You all reminded me of who I am and who the Big Guy Upstairs really wants me to be. Enthusiasm is one things, air horns another, but focusing that enthusiasm like I did with you all and turning it into something that wonderful, spiritual, and completely satisfying is something that belongs in a category belonging entirely to itself. If I didn't want to bore you all, I would spend the rest of the evening telling each and every one of you what you have done and why I am eternally indebted to you. I can only say thank you so many times in a paragraph, or two, before I just seem ridiculously redundant, which, by any means, we cannot have. ;) I have never met a group of people who can keep the faith, and sing it, as well as you and, again, I am eternally in your debt. If I think of some way to thank you, let it be heard that I will do it a thousand fold for you. I love you all more than you could ever know even in such a short time. Thank you. Truly and deeply. Thank you.

And need I mention how absolutely amazing you guys are vocally? I think not...this is just an excuse to mention how absolutely hilarious it was when Mike had that huge airhorn...I will not be mocked with out a fight! :)

Oh dear, I thought the deep part of this entry was a lot further away than this. Oh well, I guess it's time. I apologize to you all, especially John and Brianna, who I sincerely meant to speak with about this, but, one, forgot and, two, decided it was something worth telling here to you all in this way.

Enthusiasm, as Noel likes to point out, has not always been this boy's way of life. It wasn't until I met Noel that I learned what I could really become and am awfully close to today. There's just one little piece left missing, you see. By the way, by little I mean very large.

I've been told, much to my dismay several times at YLC, that I pretty much have it all. Smarts, talent, suave, friends, enthusiasm, and I'm not half bad looking, but the truth is, I am far from having it all. In fact I think, personally, that these things inhibit me from having it all. They have there uses, yes, even in God's name, but what does it matter? I have given it all to God. That's how things work for me, ya' know? Everything I have ever had, been, been given, given to others, taken or thrown away has been put in its place by the Big Guy Upstairs. When I have a problem, God is the one who tells me how to take care of it. That's just how I run. No issues right? Well, ladies and gents, you guessed right. The answer sure ain't an enthusiastic "right!", that much is for certain. In all of his glory, honor and the gifts that he has given in spirit and mind, I have a much more selfish, physical need, if you will. Call me crazy, but even the Bible's got me backed up on this one. Without love, what have I? Yes, I have a tremendous love for the Big Man Upstairs, his son, and the Flaming pet Pidgeon, no offense Sanctus Spiritus, but, as the verses say, even those who hand over their body, mind and soul are nothing without love. No call me crazy, because I am only sixteen and have got a lot of time ahead of me in my life trust me, I'm aware, but that doesn't change the fact that I need someone just like everyone else on this God given Earth we have. Someone to share it all with, to laugh with you in times of merriment, to cry and your shoulder in times of trouble and do the same for you, to hold your hand and chat with you about useless topics only meant to prick that little smile from the depths of their tied up emotions. Someone to love you. Plain and simple. If only it was just that. We all know the truth of the matter, though. Even this sixteen-year-old boy from Oswego. That's what got me at Reconciliation. The fact that I had that, pardon, those shoulders to cry on. It's painful for me and it was a wonderful feeling to know that I have you guys to confide in forever with that thought. It's nice to know there are shoulders to spare. It hurts a lot. And please, don't mistake this paragraph, or any of the previously stated, to be a sort of "sympathy vote". What I be asking sympathy for? Take it as another well deserved thank you. Thank you for helping this troubled kid remember that he has some people who love him, even if he can't hold them forever. Thank you for giving me that hope no matter how fleeting it is. There is nothing more I could ever want. Thank you.

Feel free to drop me a line at pancakes@comcast.net . I would really appreciate talking to guys again. I plan to stay in touch. :)

I'll end with a Hungarian saying a good friend of mine told me...

May you live to see a thousand years and may I live one day less so I will never know the world without the pleasure of your company.

Oh, I almost forgot.

St. Cecilia, pray for us.

;)

Nick Pankuch.

Off to the Races...

2006-07-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, i'll be away this weekend on one of the most fun Church retreats i have ever been to in my entire life...and i'm Catholic too. Now that's saying something. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

While i'm at it...I have a few things that i need you all to remember before i go.

Remember that there is always someone with a shoulder for you to cry on...surprisingly, most people have two.

Remember that life is meant to be lived and not waited...

Remember to take a leap of faith whenever you get the chance...something extraordinary is bound to happen...

Remember that life is full of second chances...you have but to keep trying.

Remember to never give up and never let down even when failure bites at your heels...

Remember to love everyone you meet....it's just a matter of how much... :)

Remember that your biggest mistake will always produce something wonderful in the end...

Remember to...well...never mind about that one. Another day, perhaps.

Catch you all on the flipside,

~A.B.P.

More Dictionary

2006-07-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

Fun

1.A source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure.
2.Enjoyment; amusement
See synonym NICK PANKUCH

You know it. Don't lie. You know you do. ;)

Dictionary

2006-07-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

Pain
1.An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.

2.Suffering or distress.

Love

1.A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

See synonym PAIN

Complicated

1.Containing intricately combined or involved parts.

2.Not easy to understand or analyze.

See synonym LOVE

Thought of that meself. The irony.

~A.B.P.

2006-07-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

Wel, ladies and gents, i, frankly, don't know what to tell you. There's not even a good title for the bloody thing. I went from a very happy and inspired individual who couldn't be kept from a rollicking good time to someone who's thoughts and memories plague them at every turn. I just can't seem to be satisfied and it bugs the hell out of me. If screwed up so many times that people don't trust me with knowing the color of their socks. And i can't form good relationships with people because I'm Nick Pankuch and everybody knows what Nick Pankuch is and what happens to people around him. I'v just backed myself into a lovely little corner and now i ave no way of getting out of it. I know so many people care about me and all that, but there comes a time when even those people question themselves.

Sorry, you all know i hate sulking and being angsty, but i just can't seem to dig myself out of this rut. Damn.

From the Hotel California,

A.B.P.

The Ups and Downs of Deja Vu...

2006-07-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

Well, so much for that retreat high, eh? It's a wonderful feeling, but there comes a time where, with that ton of bricks that it's so famous for, life smacks you around a bit with a great deal of things you weren't entirely ready for. You weren't ready for them at all.

You see, life has invented this great things that both tortures us and gives us so much happiness. It's called remembering. That's all it took today after rehearsal. Just a thought. One little knock on a door in my mind that i should never have closed and i was gone. Just as easily as it had come, it left and, as you oh-so-correvtly just anticipated, that wasn't the only thing life decided to throw at me.

It turns out that my mother is thoroughly convinced hat may sole purpose in life is to make her miserable and that the most effective may to teach me lessons, whether it be in driving or in life, is to mock/insult me at every turn and, then, when I say ANYTHING, and I mean anything, she immediately dismisses it as teenage attitude and becomes convince, once again, that I am her personal antichrist. Wonderful. Sorry, i'm being angsty again. I've no right to waste your time on something dreadfully mopey and depressing. Beg pardon, for that.

On a more positive note, I am fully recovered from my ill advised day of binge Cherry Coke dinking and no sleep. Man, that was a good time.

Catch you all on the flipside, wherever that is,

~Vinnie

Man on Fire

2006-07-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

Well, ladies and gents, I'm back from a long weekend of partying and coming closer to God. I just got back from my Confirmation retreat, the retreat that starts a junior's year of preparing for confirmation, and,man, was it absolutely amazing. I'm still on my "retreat high", as we say it in the business, but something really hit me this time. People genuinely giving of themselves and not expecting anything in return. People you didn't know anything aobut and who knew less aobut you talking, nay, sharing parts of themselves to complete and total strangers. People affirming you, telling you that meeting you and speaking with you actually changed and affected their lives.

That, quite frankly, leaves me astonished. Of all the people in the world, I would have good reason to doubt that I would be the one to change lives, but, apparently, I have mis informed myself. Not just other teens, either. Kids older than me. Kids in college and in the real world telling me that they have never seen enthusiasm to match mine and that the strength I have in my faith has changed who they are.

Holy cow. I know I'm crazy, but that. That really changes everything.

God bless,

Nick

P.S. I actually think I know what I want to do with my life now...and where i want to go to college...and..well, it kind of makes me want to do a backflip. But i can't. Oh well. :P

Of Iron Bands, Diamond Rings, and an Elephant in a Purse

2006-07-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

Trust me, I've seen weirder titles, but lets get straight down to business...

Of Iron Bands

Well, ladies and gents, it'll come, with no surprise of course, that, after this summer, the Pankuchs, this one in particular, will come upon rather difficult times. My mother starts working on becoming a teacher which, in turn, mean lots of classes, no chauffeur, and a very grumpy parental figure. This lamentable event will, unfortunately, lead to my father also being grumpy. Constantly. My sister, in turn, will become very angsty at the fact that both of her parents are grumpy and seclude herself in her room talking to her friends via instant messanger and slowly, but surely, become EMO. My brother, and his new fiance, will, in turn, avoid being home as much as possible thus leaving me by myself to cringe, groan, and wish I was out partying con mis amigos, and wait! The best is yet to come.

A sudden realization happened upon me today while I was talking with my good friend S.T.W. We, as in me and my multiple personalities of course, are about to tread upon very thin ice, my friends. I am about to encounter things I may, in fact, not be ready for and forced into situations that I, most likely, am not, at present, ready to handle. This should come to no surprise to you all as I do have a knack for finding trouble. I am making decisions in my life that some will like, some won't, but, despite who likes them and who doesn't, these decisions will push me to my limits and, frankly, I'm rather intrigued by it all. It won't be a close relationship and it won't be long distance unless I make it that way. To be with her, I would have to sacrifice a great many things in order to come up with the money it will take to get a car as well as some other necessities that come along with a vehicle. Am I truly ready for that? That is a question I have the summer to answer, but I feel as if my mind is already made up and I'm not telling. So there. :P

Of Diamond Rings

Don't worry, I haven't gone asking anyone to marry me or anything like that, but my brother has. He and his girlfriend of three years have finally decided to tie the mother pheasant plucking knot. It's about bloody time, if you ask me, but then again you didn't. I have no idea when or where, but I do know that it will be a RATHER GOOD TIME! And, maybe I'll get to bring a date....hmm...That would be MORE exciting....Yes, yes indeed it would. I'm very proud of him. I like to think of us more as really good friends who have lived together all of their lives rather than brothers. Keeps things real between us, you know?

Of an Elephant in a Purse

This one goes out to a great little friend of mine named Cory. We had the longest, and most intricate conversation about why mothers seem to know everything and have everything in their purses. We imagined that they had elephants, George Washington's wooden teeth, a lock of George W. Bush's hair, a basketball court, a firework, an alligator as well as a myriad of other objects that you could, or couldn't, imagine. He brought to light a lot of things for me, that boy. He taught me what being a kid is really like. That maybe there's a life out there filled with complete and total imaginative insanity; just how I like it. Maybe I could do it. If my mother had an elephant in her purse than maybe I could pull this thing off. Maybe, just maybe, I would be able to find a way to do this thing. To show my friends that I am changed and I am no longer who I was. Well I am, except a whole lot cooler and WAY less of the lesser of a mule's parental figures. ;) Maybe I could find a way to let my friends know that I do know that they care and that I CARE TOO! Maybe I can find a way to make everything work. To keep her close to me and let her know what she means to me. To stay true to who I am and play a little volleyball along the way.

*looks at his pocket watch and tips his hat. He begins to walk away. he stops and turns around.*

To fly.

*He fades into the soft, summer night rain. You can hear the soft humming of a familiar tune*

I'll go wherever you will go...

When You Look out on the Water and Say.... Oh Snap.

2006-07-04T17:24:00.000-07:00

Haven't we all had one of those moments, though? Looking at something, or someone, truly beautiful, getting caught in the thrill of the moment, and then seeing the fact that you have your whole life ahead of you. That happened to me today.

My dad was cooking out on the gril and i was sitting on a drainpipe on the resevoir behind our house just staring at the water and watching it ripple. My thoughts began to wander and I started to think of people I know and people I knew. Then it occured to me that there was a whole life out there ready for me to live it. A home to own, a card of my own to drive, a wonderful wife to love and long for, a kid or two to bring up and show the glories of what this little place we call Earth has to offer, a dog to pet and yell at on occasion. I went back inside to wash my hands and just walked through my house. I remember moving to it from the old, tiny duplex we had used to live in. Advancing, moving up in life. It was amazing. Just to think that we are all going to experience that. To be able to have things we can call our own and not bought by our parents or the allowance they "say" is ours. It's wonderful.

I can't wait.

Yours, actually

Nick

I've Seen Fire and I've Seen Rain

2006-07-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

That's a good song. A little before our time, but a good song none the less.

Well, how are we all, ladies and gentlemen? Good, I presume? Dandy. Dandy like candy.

I'm going to be as straightforward as I can on the topics at hand without damaging anyone too severely, so here goes nothin' folks...Hold on to your hats 'cause it's gonna' be a bumpy ride...

Of Fire

I'm all for friends wanting the best for their best friends, looking out for them, and telling them when they're obviously in the wrong, but there is a fine line between constructive criticism and spiteful comments. What right does he have to tell me that he thinks my being with her is stupid? What right does he have to tell me that she is a, and I quote straight from the horse's mouth, " waste of time"? What right do you have to tell me what my future holds and what right gives you that same knowledge? What right do you have to tell me that seeing us together makes you sick? You know what, you have every right. You're my best friend. It's your duty to stand up to your ideals and tell me when I'm in the wrong. To be self righteous about it.

And I have every right to tell you that you are wrong. I have every right to tell you that you can go wallow in self pity somewhere else and try and bring me down with you another day of the week because, right now, I have found someone, sometime, some life that makes me extraordinarily happy and you have NO right to take that away from me. I have every right to tell you that I would gladly jump in front of bullets, speeding trains, cars, large pointy objects, and anything else for you, but this changes things, pal. When you take it upon yourself to make me feel down about a relationship that make me happy, we got problems, kiddo. Real big ones.

I have every right to tell you that I don't care if "nothing good will come of it" or that "she is a waste of time". You know why? Because she's not. There is a small group of people that come into our lives and dictate who we are and who we will become and I think she is one of them. And so are you.

I have every right to tell you that I will see this through to the bitter end because it makes me happy. I have every intent on having the time of my life with her as well as proving you wrong.

I have every right to tell you to shove it.

_____________________________________________________________________

Well, I'm bloody glad I got THAT out of my system. Been bugging me for a few days now...ah. I'm pretty sure that I should end on something happy...Yes, yes indeed.

Of Rain

When a harsh rain begins to pound on your windowsill and the thunder crackles and rumbles your house, what do you do?

You lay on your bed, smile, and LAUGH HYSTERICALLY!!! That's pretty much what I did. The world has a tendency to attempt to throw you a lot of curve balls at the same time, especially if you suck at baseball. You just have to smile, take them in stride and look at all the wonderful things you have to give and take and share. We all have to remember three simple things...

1) All wounds heal in time. The scar is still there, but the pain is gone.

2) Laughter is the best medicine. No need to expound upon that

3) Love. Yeah, just one word. Interpret it how you will. *winks*

You need to know what I mean? Watch the movie Love Actually. I know, it sounds like a chick flick, but I promise you. You'll realize just what I mean. About everything. :)

*looks at his pocket watch* Well it's about time I got going. You all stay dry and remember, dance like no one is watching.

*Tips his hat and wanders off humming an all too familiar tune.*

My funny valentine...

~Vinnie

What was I doing on Friday....ah yes....Conniving...that WAS the word I was looking for

2006-06-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

A little humor for you all. couldn't live without it, could you? I suppose you could live without mine. Not very funny, after all, but that's besides the fact.

Things on this side of the fence are rather dandy presently. P&P is goin well, which you should all come and see....Thurs, Fri, and Sat at 7,7, Thurs and Fri with a 2 and a 7 on Sat. Those are hours, in case you're wondering.

Besides that point, i do believe I have been changed or the better. Seriously. The whole episode, if you will, has really brought things into a new light for me. Everything, really. How to react to everything, how to live everything. It really is quite amazing and enjoyable.

I think I may take a leap of faith. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that those who take risks may fail, but those who haven't have failed before they've started. And those who take the long, easy way are just boring. :). So there. Lol. You thought I was actually going to be serious, didn't you? No, I suppose not.

I'm going to try something different. My risks won't be those dangerous ones that always land you in some kind of trouble somewhere down the road, but the ones that might change things as you know them. For the better, i mean. And if you miss. if you fall short of that leap, I mean then you'll have learned something along the way. If you make a leap of faith from nothing, you're going to have to land on something. That's a pleasant thought, isn't it?

Oh, and fishing, being a metaphor for specificity of course, is too harsh and perverse a metaphor. I have decided that referring to it as a game has a dramatic affect on the way I react in the specified situations thus leading me to change the metaphor to...oh...i don't know...

Dancing. Yes, that's it! Dancing! It's rather like dancing, now that I think about it. You start out with an invitation. A simple "Care to..?" or "May I have this...?" and then it starts. Your hands together and before long you're chatting and humming to the music and having a good time...and then....then they play the...

Swing Dancing.

Darling, care to dance?

:)

~Vinnie

P.S. I know you were definately all thinking this so let's clear this up. That was not directed at any of you. Not that you that it was in the first place. Whay am I speaking again? :P

The Breaking of the Rubber Band: The Freeing of the Mind

2006-06-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

Plain and simply put, that's just what I did. I broke that rubber band that i was using to count the days until a "maybe". You know what? To Hell with a "maybe"! I live in the here and now. I'm in the prime of my high school years. If i work, I could go to State for speech time...if I work of course. :) I have things in my life that are going to take all of who I am and what I will become. This ship isn't waitning for anyone. It's going to keep on cruising right along and, oh buddy, here it comes. There are some who can hop on for the ride, some who will watch, and some who have a ship of their own. Your welcome to hitch a ride, but hold on. It's going to be one Hell of a trip.

You coming?

From the flipside
The one, the only,
N.B.P.

Tons of Bricks

2006-06-24T14:22:00.000-07:00

Where does Life get all of these bricks? Really, though. They seem to just come out of every nook and crannie you can possibly find. Tons of them. Hitting you in the face as often as possible. It's terrifying, awe inspiring, horrible, and woderful all in the same gasp of air. I'm not quite sure how to handle it. Then again, when am I ever sure how to handle just about anything? Oh dear. Way to boost your self esteem, Nick. not that I need it anyway. Ouch. nothing like burning yourself for a change, eh?

Well, Life is dandy. If learned what it means to move on from those around me and from those who are, for the fifth time...wink*wink*...., much more intelligent than myself. I've learned that doing what makes you happy takes on an entirely new conotation when you are happy and when you have someone to share it with. Jesus, I get out of school and what am I doing all summer? Learning. get a life, Nick. lol.

It's a comforting feeling to know that there are people out there in the world who are stronger, faster, smarter, more confident, and, overall, just better than me. It gives me a sense of satisfaction. I am, in fact, the only person with my talents, my faults, my metallic smile, and my trademark fedoras. No one else is like that. Now, if only i could actually...

Move on. You want the truth? I'm afraid. Afraid to move ahead and afraid to wallow and wait. Everyday is a stalemate, the two sides pushing and pulling against each other, but neither really taking the lead.

You know what? Screw it. i'm going fishing. ;)

From the flipside,

N.B.P.

Well, It's Been a Long Day

2006-06-22T21:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes indeed it has. Life sure is a female dog sometimes, let me tell you. Sometimes it just likes to kick you while your down, pour lemon juice on an open wound, point and laugh when the kids who stole your pants put them on the flagpole for everyone to see. You know; that kind of thing only not so materialistic. Not so physical, better put. Things you can't just put a band aid on and wait until it heals over. Curve balls that life throws you because it knows it'll strike you out to next week and, man, I sure can't hit curve balls. Let's just say that, you know that long road I've been traveling on, well, there are several shortcuts. Shortcuts that lead to somewhere or nowhere, but nobody knows and nobody asks...except for me. I thought this road was my road? The one I was down until I reached its bitter end? Now I'm not so sure. Silence is not helping either. I dread going home and sleeping even more so. Long periods where the mind does nothing but wander aimlessly through the less desirable thoughts of one's mind. What a terrible thing to do. Wander off of the road you never wanted to be on, but must if you wish to see the end.
Then night comes and with only a flicker of a lighted candle, you walk on.
But to where?
~The Ramblings of a Troubled Wanderer
Nick

The Truth Plain and Simple

2006-06-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well howdy, ladies and gentlemen. It's been a little while since we last spoke, but don't worry; I'll fill you in. ;) Oh wait, there's nothing to fill you in on. :( LAME! lol. On second thought...

It's been rough. I'm not going to lie; it's been really rough. In fact, it's damn near unbearable. To know that you hurt someone. Someone that you cared for, and still, mind you, in your life and you hurt them. Really, truly hurt them. That you've actually caused pain. Real pain. It kills me. I try not to think about it, but it invades every concious thought I have. I hurt the girl I love. It kills me every waking moment. And the non-"waking" ones too. I wish I could find a way to take it all away. To take the pain away from her and let her be happy again. To find a way. That's all I have left. A hope. A candle flickering in a huge expanse of darkness. That little candle will see me through the night whether to a storm or to a blazing blue sky it will lead me through.

You know, ladies and gents, finding yourself, as it has so come to be referred to as, doesn't really solve all the problems. You can enjoy every minute of life, not let others take you down, and let life roll no matter how you take it and deal with it, but pain, real pain, puts a kink in the line. It gives you scars that no blade has ever given; ones that stay with you. Ones that remind you every single second of what you did, how you betrayed and destroyed everything you loved and worked so hard to build, and how you lost the only person you could ever talk to, who made you happy, whom you loved. It's gone and you won't forget that.

And look, I'm aware that xanga entries don't move mountains; time, truth, and devotion will get me to the summit, but even that doesn't happen overnight. Redwood tress don't grow in ten days, you know. :) I only wish I could take her pain away. It kills me to know that I had some part of it. I wish I could take it all away.
The real truth here is, well, that I can't and I have to find away to change that. And I swear I will. I swear it. It's all I have left. That little candle.

Until I die or you find someone better,

~Nick

"... I shouldn't blame her (Jane) if she refused ever to see me again. But there are some sentiments that are too strong to be denied or suppressed."
-Charles Bingley
Pride and Prejudice

Oh My Gosh! There's People in My HOUSE!

2006-06-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

An interesting reaction, I know, but what else was I supposed to say?

So i guess I'm not having a party for my birthday this year because my mother, in her brief periods of genius, decided to throw me a surprise party! Isn't that pleasant. Mmhmmm. Nothing like a good schindig to shake things up a bit, 'eh? Anyway, it was absolutely the most fun I've had in a good long while. There were supposed to be like 30 some odd people there, but only about half of that showed up, but we had about twice the fun! Our game of truth or dare was quite memorable...lol...I wish Adam had been there...lo-freaking-l...that would have been hilarious, but I digress.

Thanks to everybody who came. It means a lot to me that you'd all go out of your way just to sit on my couch and cover your eyes for a while...lol. We had so much fun and I can't wait until we have the next party! Who's birthday is coming up? :)

N.B.P.

p.s. Some wisdom for the wise

Redwood trees don't grow in a week.

The Broken Road

2006-06-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

Also a good song, but I won't plague you with time/space wasting lyrics...:P

I've become rather content with myself now, I guess. Things are starting to roll on forward, as opposed to any other direction which would not be an improvement, and I can think clearly again. It still hurts and I know it will for a good long while, but God gives us these things to teach us and give us a chance to grow and that, friends, is what I firmly intend to do!
oh, I almost forgot! I'm writing a song for Men's Ensemble. It just came to me today, ya' know, from all that inspiration... ;) , and I just sat back and let my mind loose on Finale Notepad. It's only the skeleton now, but it's got the makings of something really good. I just need to find a really strong melody and keep it alive. I already I have the pattern for the verses, but I got a lot of work to do yet. I got so excited when it came to me and, now that I've remembered about Men's Ensemble, I have to get to work arranging the music for next year, getting CD's ready and assessing the guys I have to see where they would best fit in the group. Oh, the song is called Wait For Me. I got so excited I just got a little carried away. Happens all the time. :P

Overall, life is good and the times the same. I love knowing what happiness feels like...Now...If only I had someone to share it with...Well all good things happen in time...Unless of course they weren't meant to happen which, thus, they won't...LOL...That was probably the most amusing piece of pessimism that I've ever written, but I digress. I am set on my path and I will travel down it until I meet it's end and then I'll walk back, unless there isn't an end, of course, in which case I will have the company I long for....WHAT?!? You didn't expect me to end on a cryptic piece of pessimism, did you? Shame on you ye of little faith! :P Oh dear, what ever shall I do with myself?

Catch you on the flipside,

N.B.P.
p.s. It's my Birthday 2 morrow...I forgot...lol....WHUPEEE!!

Goodbye

2006-06-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

No i'm not going anywhere, you bums. It's a song by Hootie and the Blowfish and I've taken it up as my anthem, of sorts. And make sure you read the entries before this so you know what's going on...lol

Tomorrow used to be a day away
Now love is gone and you’re into someone far away.
I never thought the day would come
When I would see his hand, not mine,
holding onto yours because I could not find the time.

Now I can’t deny
nothing lasts forever
I don’t want to leave
and see the tear drops in your eyes
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye

Now there comes another part of life that I call alone
sitting at a bar with Chris
but I can’t leave ‘cause my house ain’t no home, no.
I just wanna touch you girl
I wanna feel you close to me
Without your love I would give up now
and walk away so easily.

So maybe while we're young
We’ll figure out together
that even with the pain, there’s a remedy
and we’ll be all right
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye.

When I first met you I couldn’t love anyone
oh, but you stole my dreams and you made me see
that I can walk under the sun
and I can still be me

and now I can’t deny nothing lasts forever.
But I don’t want to leave and see the teardrops in your eyes
So baby while we’re young let’s figure out together
that even with the pain there’s a remedy
and we’ll be all right.
I don’t want to live to see the day we say goodbye,
we say goodbye, oh goodbye, goodbye.

Wow. That one hits home, 'eh folks?

Catch you on the flipside,

N.B.P.

Rome Wasn't Built in a Day

2006-06-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

Read the post before this one or else none of this will make sense you landlubbers!....Why did I just make a pirate reference.....lol

This entry is meant to adress the "speed" at which I so conveniently "found" myself. This didn't happen all of a sudden at that volleyball game, guys, this has been a long standing journey. It didn't happen overnight. Whether it was iterated, you like my copious vocab don't ya?..., or not, now you all know.

And I want to thank you all. For all the stupid stuff I've ever done in order to bring myself to this point, you guys stuck through and defended and helped someone that really shouldn't have been and that really means so much to me. This is truly an freakin', that's the first slang I've used in a while unless you count "vocab" which I don't...lol..., AMAZING and I can't wait to share it with all of you! This year is going to be RIDICULOUS! Oh, boy...You guys aren't going to be able to take me anywhere.....LOL...

Remember, finding yourself doesn't happen overnight. It's a long, LONG road and I have an even longer one to earn the trust of someone whom I love very dearly. The journey is arduous, lengthy, and difficult...

Are you ready?

Absolutely.

Nick B. Pankuch

p.s. thanks again, friends.

He's Back

2006-06-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

Too fast? I think not. I have found myself and now I have to show the world and hold true to what I have found. That is the key. Naybe then, just maybe, she can share the joy we had again. This is an email I sent to the Lady Li. Read it at your leisure...One question, first...

Are you ready?

You said I could fill up your inbox and I firmly intend to. I know this is the second in one day, but today is exceptionally rough, as is every single one before it and I fear for a good time after, but enough of the morbidity.

This may sound wishfully conceited and just like a cheap way to accelerate the process, but I want you to take it seriously and understand that I know I have a long road to travel yet.

If you read my blog you saw the entry about the volleyball game experience and how I glimpsed myself.

Believe you me, it was more than a glimpse.

I found him there. I found him playing volleyball with Tim Thorpe. I walked into that party, saw those people there, and dropped all defense. I let them take me to laughter and just, well for the third time I think I may have wrote it today, having a damn good time! I have never felt that good in so long. That's who I am. I realized it when I was there with them. To those people, I am the crazy kid who is their inspiration, I know, hold in the gasps. Their inspiration in faith. Me! Of all people! 'Who am I?', I asked myself. And that's when I figured it out.

I am Nick Pankuch.

I love being with people! I love making them laugh and hold their stomachs and making their faces hurt. I love playing sports and being bad at them! I love telling people how wonderful life is and what it feels like to the smell the sea, to stand outside in the rain, to roll down an old dirty hill, to stare at the clouds and seeing that stupid little camel you see every time! I am CRAZY! I love to make people laugh, but I don't care what they think of me. I'm way to enthusiastic about EVERYTHING! Life in and of itself is a reason to kick off your shoes and jump in the puddles! To go bowling in Canada! To go swimming at night and feel the cool breeze! To ride the tea cup ride at Disney World and feel like a little kid again. To run and scream and be the only sixteen year old....Five year old in existence!

I'm inventive, intelligent and creative. I want to cure cancer and help people everywhere in seeing life differently and getting past disease and sickness and into a different and better world. I love science and critical thinking and opening up the "box" and not just thinking outside of it but crunching it down and blowing it up all together! I love math and English and creative writing! I like to create places that don't exist and take myself to fantastical lands to be the hero and save the damsel and lead armies of light to defend against the darkness. I like to read and let others do the same for me.

I'm tall and covered in pimples and I DON'T CARE!!! I'm skinny and have really powerful legs, but no upper body strength at all. I have obnoxiously curly, blonde hair no that I let it grow out. I wear four aluminum chain links on my right ring finger and a rubber band and a rainbow WWJD bracelet on my left hand.

I love music! My whole family can sing and we do it as often as we can! We love to make harmonies to songs on the radio and even compose our own! We all play some type of instrument; I play piano and I want to learn how to play guitar and trombone! I love to share my music and voice with everyone I meet and raise it up in God's name!

I love to act! I've been in a whole bunch of school plays at my school and we've had a blast! It's fun to take yourself out of who you are for a moment and be someone totally different only to come back to yourself a moment later! I've been a psychotic dentist, a mentally challenged man, and a bustling young pirateer! Who else can say that?

I am Nicholas Berton Pankuch and I am no one else from this day forward. This is my creed.

I just did a somersault and it totally failed!!! Oh boy...

I know who I am inside and out and I know what I need to do now. The path just went from a dark scary country road to a lighted highway; still too long, but you know where you're going and, as long as there aren't any cops...*wink wink*...You can go as fast as you need to. And I'm bringing my friends.

I excluded one part of the email because, well frankly, I don't think the world is ready for that part yet, but for now you answer the question...

Are you ready?

Step 1: Others

2006-06-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

No don't get your knickers in a not because I'm writing an entry. I'm just going to write about the things I learn along the way. It will help me deal with things.

I was at the graduation party of one of my really good friends from Church yesterday and it was a blast, let me tell you. We, as in some people I knew but quite a few I had met only vaguely before or never at all, played a great deal of volleyball, talked, ate food, told jokes, and just were all around having fun. Thus, I had an epiphany while driving home and listening to Daniel Powter's Had a Bad Day, oh the irony I know, I know.

People actually genuinely want to have a good time and talk and just be there with you. They, as in anyone I know or have ever known, don't really care about your past, what's bugging them right now, or what bugging you right now, they just want to have a good time among good friend and even better strangers. There were kids from 16 to college there and everyone sat at the same table and talked with everyone else like they had known them forever. Most likely because they actually did, lol.

I guess, this epiphany was step one because I realized that I don't have to be someone else when I'm around certain people. I don't need to impress or try all night to gain there favor or friendship; I can be who I am and they will accept that. I don't have to change what I am to fit what they need I an be me and be even more than I had ever dreamed of.

I got a glimpse of him there, a the party. For a brief moment in time I had forgotten every trouble I had ever had while I was playing volleyball and laughing with friends. Then I went to get a soda and, I know this sounds weird but just think for a second, I saw someone getting caked. Then I remembered and subdued, but I saw him. I know how he thinks and how he feels and I know that I need to find the one thing that will let him shine forever. I just have to find it.

This is Nick P., signing off.

Catch you on the flipside.

2006-06-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

I've made a deal with myself, friends, that, until I find who I really am, I am not going to be blogging, among other things, in an effort to try and concentrate my efforts. I have only one goal in life now; to find out who Nick Pankuch really is and, when I do, maybe, just maybe, there will be a drop of hope that I may reconcile with her. That's all I can pray for to keep me going. The grief is almost unbearable, otherwise, but I bore you with the emotions of an old fool. Hopefully, with some serious soul searching, good friends, and a lot of luck, she might take me back, but that will be another journey in and of itself. Until then, my friends, I bid you all farewell. There is a long journey ahead of me and I have not yet begun to pack.

The way you wear your hat,
the way you sip your tea,
The memory of all that,
No they can't take that away from me.
The way your smile just beams,
The way you sing off key,
the way you haunt my dreams,
No they can't take that away from me.
We may never, ever, meet again on that bumpy road to love,
Still I'll always, always, keep the memory of,
The way you hold your knife,
The way we danced 'till three,
The way you changed my life,
No they can't take that away from me.
No they can't take that away. From. Me.

Crazy for You...seemed apropos

Catch you all on the flipside,

-Nicholas Berton Pankuch

My Newfound Humility, and Love in My Faith

2005-07-24T16:46:00.000-07:00

Slice me, dice me, put me on a sandwich, call me Swiss cause man am I holy. I got a story for you all.

It starts on a Friday afternoon. I was join to "God Camp" as I had justly, or so I thought, named it it. Actually it was called YLC, Youth Leadership Conference. It was for Catholic teens to go and become leaders and strengthen their faith.

"Right." I had done this before. Lots of praying, Bibling, churching, and I knew that I would be the only enough brave enough to talk.

I got to Lewis University, the campus on which the conference was held, and went to my dorm. On the drive I had met some interesting guys who I would grow to know and love. Luke and Alex, this goes out to you guys. I also met several others from my parish; Justin, Johnny, Pat, Sammy, Margarite, Nikkita, Matthew, and, a now very great friend of mine, Katie. We are now the best of friends, all of us that is, and we are bonded by love and Christ. Canna brother get an Amen around here? Thank you.

Of course right now these people were complete strangers. We, and by that I mean everyone else in a tight knit group and me a little further behind, made our way to the building where the large group session was held. I was walking down a large corridor to the gym when I heard yelling, screaming, and clapping.

"Probably some stupid kids. They'll get in trouble." I said to myself. But it continued. I decided to investigate. Still puzzled and alone except for my wit and enthusiasm, I continued down the hall way. I found the source of the noise. There were a host of kids lined up on the way to the gym pointing and clapping and yelling "GO GO GO GO!!" and impatiently waiting for high fives.

"Oh," I said," It's one of THOSE God Camps." Little did I know was still wrong.

Another experience I had was when I was standing and talking to Katie for the first time. I glanced around and saw a large group of kids standing and looking at us. They, out of nowhere, yelled,

"WE LOVE JESUS YES WE DO! WE LOVE JESUS HOW BOUT YOU?"

WHAT?

CAN YOU DO THAT?

Then it hit me. So I fired back and they screamed and cheered. I later performed this ritual with friends upon strangers and friends alike.

The most powerful thing I experienced, the Epiphany of my Doubting Thomas, you know Thomas the Apostle, as I like to call it, was during Reconciliation. Not THAT kind of Reconciliation.

There were priests. You confessed. GooDY GOODIE. But there were buckets of sand in which to write your sins and then wash them away, or pray for something. There were crosses everywhere to pray in front of.

"Oh," I thought, "I'll pray a little."

I decided to go to Father Nowak, my pastor, just for the sake of familiarity and the fact we were good friends.

I sat down on the chair next to to him and he glanced at me once and then did a double take.

"Did you know I was here?" he asked

"Yes Father."

"And still you came"

"yes father."

"A brave man. Brave indeed. What do you wish to confess."

"For not being faithful to Jesus, my parents, family, and my friends who deserve so much more than faithfulness."

He just stared at me with what I could of sworn was amazement. He clasped my hands and looked into my eyes.

"Nick, Do you know how inspirational to other people you are? Do you know how many people look to you with admiration?"

I nodded and smiled. Huh?

"You are put in front of the same temptations of sex, drugs, alcohol and everything else. Yet you just say no. You are already a leader and strong in your faith. You are amazing!"
It went somethin like that.

He just sat and gazed in wonder and I returned the favor. Me? In faith? What? Okay Father.

"Thank you Father."

He said the prayers and I left to "Bloody pray" as I put it so eloquently.

I found a cross and knelt by it, made the sign of the cross, and then I looked around. Men, women, boys, girls anybody and everybody was kneeling and praying and/or crying with tears of mercy and joy.

"Alright," I said cynically, "I'll pray a little longer. So I knelt and talked to Jesus. I begged forgiveness for my wrongdoings and my unfaithfulness. I began to tear up.

What? Since when do I cry in reconciliation?

Then I went into my Doubting Thomas mode.

"Lord, I am doubting Thomas. Let me stick my hand in your side and fell then holes in your hands. Show me me and I will believe. I know I should believe otherwise, but show me."

I was feelin terrible! I had just betrayed everythin I was there to do! I stood up and turned around and went to get some water. I ran into a member of my small group, Ashley. She changed my life. She came to me, looked me in the eyes with a smile and said

"Nick, Your my inspiration. I wish I could be as strong in my faith as you."

WHOA. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? ME? I broke down. I'll be honest, I didn't expect Jesus to deliver right there and then. Whoa. I just grabbed her and cried.

"Don't cry Nick. You're our leader. If you cry then we all do."

THAT MADE IT WORSE. I was balling. After about five solid minutes of crying and hugging I said thank you amidst the tears and went to get my water. I came back and told Katie and Kendra. Oh Kendra is another friend. They both confirmed what Ashley said. I cried for five more minutes. I counted.

Then I went to find Mallory, I think that's how you spell it. Yes our dear Juliet. I had to tell her and Mary Dunn. Her too. Wow, forget people. I was looking and ran into Justin. He shook my hand and said

"Nick, Your my inspiration. I wish I could be as strong in my faith as you, man. You're amazing."

Okay. One was enough God GESE! I said thank you amidst a new flood of tears and went to find Mallory and Mary. Then I ran into Noel. This is the kicker ladies and gents.

Noel is about 5'4", either Filipino or some other Asian nationality. He was perfectly American though, born and raised. He was the Youth Minister at Saint Elizabeth Seton. They came dressed as UPS workers with SES on their hats instead. Awesome. He ran around with a box with a real UPS tag that was to YOU from GOD. More AWESOME. I had seen him before and we spoke briefly. There's your history.

He put his arm around me.

"Hey Nick, How are you."

I nodded still recovering from my last encounter and not able to hold a dignified conversation.

"Nick, I envy you. Know why? I run around and say hi to everybody and you do to. You have the same enthusiasm and are stronger in the faith than I am. And your fifteen and I'm thirty!"

Near tears I said

"But you gotta box."

I broke down and we hugged.

"We're gonna stay in touch. I'll talk to you later k?"

I nodded. I was balling AGAIN! How many times could I cry? I'm not used to crying AT ALL!

There was a cross on the main stage and I went and knelt directly in front of it. I thanked Jesus for showing me Him. I have renewed faith. I am a different man. I kissed the cross in the only effort I could find to give thanks. I just knelt and cried and was prayed over by people I didn't know and will probably. Never know, but will remember.

I have found God. I have found Jesus. I have renewed faith. I am a different man. I will walk in the light and turn no thought to darkness. He is my Lord , God, and Salvation Everlasting.

Amen. Canna brother get an AMEN ROUND HERE?

Nick

Alone and Cold...

2005-04-26T08:42:00.000-07:00

On a 30th century night,
will i see you
on the price is right?
will i cry?
will i smile?
as you run down the aisle!
It's all been done

Third Eye Blind

yeah i like that song

So here i am alone and cold on a 20th century midafternoon...that so defeats the purpose...anywho

If your a keen one you'll have noticed that i have deleted a few of my entries. That, my freinds, is because i needed...well... let's call it initiative to forget a few events that are giving me some grief. Except all the good poetry....gotta have the good stuff.

speaking of poetry, after i take a quick potty break i am gonna write some...brb

now that i am back from relieving my self.....yuck yuck... i suppose that i promised something eleoquent, eh? here goes nothin...

Midnight Thunder

When you walk at night, and your sight is stolen by the winds of fear,
When the night threatens your every move with a pillar of fire,
When the trees thrash and the Earth trembles,
When you are wrapped in the horror filled blanket of midngiht,
Remember me, and weep for the one who would burn the night and darken the day.
Remember the Hell on Earth that i was and that this
Is nothing but a little midnight thunder